so i drank a coffee thing

Tuesday, Oct. 16, 2007 | 9:01 PM

so i left off with melissa calling me about going over to their place. we arranged for me to go over at about 6:30 or 7.

there was something wrong with our van, so joel had to come pick me up. he talked about things and asked me things during the ride, but i actually can't remember much now. i was probably too nervous to remember.

the first thing i noticed upon walking in their apartment was a little fish in a little bowl. "that's joel's fish," melissa said, as she made brownies in the little kitchen space thing. she told me that they weren't very good fish caretakers, that he wasn't eating much, and she was kinda just waiting for him to die. poor little fish. but honestly, i'm probably a worse fish caretaker. they're kinda easy to ignore.

i sat down on the couch near the fish, and joel sat on the couch across the room. joel asked me, "so what do you want to talk about?"

"i don't know."

"i'm guessing you actually do know."

me across the room from them, and melissa doing stuff in the kitchen wasn't exactly the conditions in which i wanted to try to talk. joel asked, "how have you been feeling lately?"

still i said, "i don't know."

when melissa was done, and she sat down. "you can come and sit with us," she said. so i walked over and sat with them. they started out just kinda talking about random things. i was so hoping that i hadn't already missed my chance to talk. i don't even know what they talked about. i wasn't even hardly paying attention.

then they said, "so do you want to talk about something?"

i sat in silence for a few moments before answering, "if i can get myself to."

after another moment i said, "i feel really stupid about sunday."

"why?"

"because i couldn't wait till i got home to uh... be sad."

"why were you sad?"

"because i'm always... or often... sitting at youth group, hoping someone will come talk to me, and i'll get a chance to talk. then the opportunity comes, and i can't say anything. then i get upset with myself, and i feel like it's hopeless."

there was a "hmm" response to that, so i continued on about how i've been really lonely lately, even moreso than usual. after rambling on for a bit, they asked, "is there anything we can do to help?"

yes, they can definitely help, and for the most part they are. could they do more to help? yes! but i can't really tell them that, so i just said, "i don't know."

at one point i said, "it's all my fault."

"do you blame yourself a lot?"

"well... yeah..."

"i don't think it's all your fault. except for missing opportunities... i can understand getting upset, but it's not hopeless and it's not all your fault."

i could have argued, but i didn't want to talk enough to do so.

another part was when they asked me what was mostly stopping me.

"fear," i said.

"what are you afraid of?"

i said that i was afraid of verbal speaking for a reason that i don't know, and i was afraid of what people think of me, and i'm afraid of people hurting me, because they've done that a lot.

they asked, "who's hurt you?"

i mentioned my parents, and steve, and how in school i had a hard time keeping friends and stuff like that.

then they asked me what i think the solution is.

"for me to be normal," i said.

"what makes you think you're not normal?"

"i'm just not."

"who told you that you're not normal?"

"does anyone really need to tell me?"

"either you made it up and convinced yourself it's true, or someone told you."

really, it's both. but i just said, "well, there was the kids at school."

joel said, "jerks." and melissa said, "i think the kids at school make everyone feel not normal." then joel said, "even i'm not normal," in reference to his craziness or something.

"you're not normal in good way... i'm not normal in a bad way."

"how are you not normal in a bad way?"

"not being able to talk isn't normal."

"i said 'a bad way.'"

"it is bad. i'm not normal in a bad way... you're not not normal in a bad way."

that probably didn't make a lot of sense. in fact, i'm sitting here staring at it trying to make sense of it. joel replied, "i don't understand what you're saying, but i think i understand what you're getting at..." and then said something about normalness or something, but i was too focused on the first line to pay enough attention to the rest to remember it.

the conversation basically ended with joel saying, "we love you sarah, and as a brother in Christ, if i ever saw anyone picking on you, i'd beat them up."

that would be exciting.

so it wasn't really different than conversations i'd had with bryce, but i guess it's good to actually talk verbally. and i didn't really mean to take into the direction that it went, but it went that way anyway.

at this point i'd started crying a little bit. they kept doing and saying funny things, maybe in an attempt to cheer me up, or maybe not, i don't know. they kinda usually are funny anyway. they did ask if there was anything else i wanted to talk about, but there really wasn't anything.

they needed to go to bed and stuff, so they took me home around 9. during the drive, melissa asked me again if i wanted to try this caramel flavored coffee drink thing that she's been wanting me to try. usually i would just say, "i don't know." it was an opportunity to hang out again though, so this time a gave a little bit more of a positive answer. at least, it's positive coming from me. "i guess."

surprisingly, she made plans right then, for us to meet on friday at about 2.

not surprisingly, friday came two days later. melissa actually rode a bus over to my house, because joel was working. her and i then walked to target, where there was a starbucks.

as we began walking, she asked, "do you want to walk, or take a bus?"

"whatever you want."

"i was going to do what you wanted."

"i wanna do what you wanna do."

"ok, let's walk."

"ok."

melissa talked the whole time as we walked. it was actually kinda nice. i just walked and listened. i wish i could just walk and listen more often. when we got to target, we went to the little starbucks space thing, where she ordered his coffee thing for both of us. we then just walked around.

i hesitated to take the first drink. i'd never drank any sort of coffee before, because i never had any desire to. i knew i had to do it though, so i did. "what do you think?" melissa asked.

honestly, it was terrible. it tasted very similar to that gross "kahlua" stuff i'd drank. i thought that was really odd, until i realized that that stuff was coffee flavored. i answered her, "um... it's different."

as much as i didn't want to, i kept going at it, because she'd bought it. it actually got better as i drank more.

so we walked around target, and then around the lame little mall that target is attached to. it's called mall 205, and it sucks. i remember when it was actually a good mall, but then for some reason they got rid of a bunch of things. now there's like, what, five or so shops in there? it's sad. i'm not sure if you can even call it a mall anymore.

as we walked around and looked at things, melissa made comments on stuff, told stories about stuff, and basically just talked the whole time. we were there for about an hour, and i don't think i said more than a few words the entire time. i can't figure out if she just likes to talk a lot, or if she's one of those people that hates silences, so she tries to fill up every moment with talking, especially since she probably thinks that i won't say anything if a silence does happen. i was planning on, and would have at least tried to say things. but oh well.

when joel got off work, melissa called him to come pick us up. at this point i'd drank about half of the coffee thing. they took me home, where i then sat down and kept at it. for some reason i just wanted to finish it, and i actually did. so, be proud people. be proud.

by the time i finished it, it wasn't so bad anymore.

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