to be continued

Friday, Oct. 12, 2007 | 2:01 AM

so someone asks, "It looks like those pics were taken in the new room ... is it done?"

it's getting there. the ferret cage is done... i'll try to get pictures up soon.

so anyway, about youth group on sunday...

the door was locked when i got there. after shaking it a bit, joel came and unlocked it. i then walked into the room that i call "the game playing room," where jordan, melissa, tim and patrick sat around a table. i sat down near them, at a different table. they all noted that bubble has grown, before going back to what they had been talking about.

i sat there until melissa asked me if i'd brought pictures again for the background of the powerpoint. i nodded. so then we went and did that. this was the choice this time:

after getting the picture in there, i went back and sat at the table again, where dave came to admire bubble. he talked about dogs again. i wonder if he'll ever run out of things to say about his dog? or maybe he'll just kinda keep repeating things, like he already has a few times.

...i don't mean that in a bad way.

when it was time to get started, i went and did the powerpoint again. i really like the new setup of youth group. like i already mentioned, i get to sit way back when they're singing. i can even quietly sing back there if i want, without being heard. when they do the talking thing, they stay in the room with the bench like thingies, and, well... sit in them. no more dreaded circle!! then i get to sit a whole row behind everyone else, because i come in from the back part as melissa (or whoever) has already started talking. this time, melissa talked about serving others and God and suff. i recorded her.

after that, they just sorta hung out, while dave made the snack of the night, which was to be used for the following activity. during this time, melissa came over and showed me a uh... thing. i guess it's like women of faith, which is something i'd sorta wanted to go to, but for teenagers. she asked me if i'd be interested in going. i think she was a little surprised when i so readily said, "sure."

then she told me about another thing, which had to do with christian colleges. some thing where there's like information on a bunch of them and you go and, well, get information i suppose. the thought has crossed my mind that it would be kinda cool to go a christian college... but the way they talk about multnomah and warner pacific... it sounds too hard for me. since i don't really like school in the first place, i think i'll stick with my nice, easy community college.

when she asked me about my interest in this, i just shrugged. i'm not even sure if she actually saw me. i should have given a verbal response... but i did not. i failed there.

when dave was done with the snacks, her and everyone else went into the kitchen. i mostly stayed out on the steps, but i did walk over to peer in and watch for a few minutes. the activity was sort of an example of what melissa talked about, which centered around these verses:

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

so the idea is that in a group of believers, everyone looks to the interests and the needs of others instead of themselves, and in the process their own needs are met by the others. that paints a beautiful picture, but is it possible? i doubt it, especially in america. of course it should be strived (striven?) for.

so they had these breadstick like things, and everyone actually held them and fed them to each other. no one fed their own selves. that's going a little too far if you ask me, though it was entertaining to watch.

while this went on, i sat alone on the steps. at some point, joel came over like he had last week. he asked me, "do you have anything that i can pray about?"

i couldn't just like...say something, just like that. no, instead i stupidly said, "i don't know."

he said, "ok," and then went on to ask me to pray for him further.

he stayed for a little bit, petting bubble. i was so hoping that he'd push for an answer to his question, like last time... but he didn't. just like that, the opportunity was lost. i didn't really care a ton whether he prayed for me or not, although it's nice to know when someone is. what i was really hoping was that conversation might possibly ensue if i said something. but i did not.

after he got up and walked away, i began to cry. i couldn't help it. i have just been going crazy so much lately, and it's just getting worse. i don't know what to do with myself. i cry myself to sleep. i know it's so stupid, i don't know why i can't seem to handle being alone, or feeling lonely or having no one to talk to. but really, isn't it reasonable to feel depressed when you're stuck inside your head for days, and lonely when you (basically) talk to no one for days?

i tried hard to suppress it. after i began producing tons of snot, my main concern became stopping and hiding my crying. i turned and faced the wall, and tried to hide my face with my hands. unfortunately, it was almost time to go, so i didn't have much time. i stayed on the steps after they turned the light out in that room. melissa came and told me they were leaving, and asked, "are you ok sarah?"

i nodded. i didn't want any attention at this point.

then i had to walk out into the other room where there were still some people. they were waiting for someone's mom to come before leaving. so then i had to sit down in a chair and wait, with no wall to hide at. tim came and sat by me. at first he asked the normal questions, like "how are you" and stuff. i just said "ok," and shrugged and stuff. i didn't look up at him, i stared at the floor, still trying to hide.

his voice changed when he realized i was crying, "are you ok sarah?"

i nodded.

"are you crying sarah?"

i just sat there, giving no response.

"do you want to talk about something?"

i shrugged.

"do you want to talk to melissa?"

i shrugged.

"i'm sorry sarah."

after the mom showed up, tim and patrick left, along with melissa and joel. tim patted me on the shoulder as he walked away, "see ya sarah."

melissa and joel took me home. they kept asking me if i was ok, if something was wrong, and if i wanted to talk. upon reaching my house, melissa asked one last time, "are you sure you don't want to talk about something?"

"there's not time now," i said.

"we have time if you want to talk."

no, no more awkward talking in the car. i just shook my head and exited.

i went into my room and cried in my bed for a while. i felt so stupid that i couldn't have waited until i got home to start crying. i am so pathetic.

when i later checked my email, and i found one from melissa. she again was asking me if something was wrong, and wanted me to tell her. i didn't really want to email her though. i wanted to actually talk. i didn't know how to respond, so i put it off until monday night, when i sent a reply that said, "i could type all i want about what's wrong... but what i really need to do
is actually talk." the next morning, i got a reply, "Let's talk then. I'll call you tonight."

she did call me that night, but i was in class at the time. i tried to call her back when i got home, but i just couldn't get myself to. so i emailed her, "i was at school when you called. i tried to call you back...but i was just too nervous." later that night, i got a reply, "It's okay, are you free tomorrow night? Or do you have class? If not I think we could get together tomorrow night. What do you want to do, come here, go there, go out to dinner (j/k)? Any ideas?"

i then responded that i was free, and that her place was fine. the next day she called me... and i'll continue this in another entry.

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