i haven't rambled in a while

Tuesday, May. 08, 2007 | 6:47 PM

yesterday was the first day of the year that i would call hot. it almost got up to 80. i was sweating pretty good at the barn, and there was actually some fan action going on last night. i sorta cringe at the thought that it's only gonna get hotter. i'll get more used to it though, i'm sure. it's been cold... then suddenly it gets hot. after it hits 100 a couple times, the high 70's will probably feel nice.

i think with this new beginning, i'm gonna try to go back to how i was a few years ago. i used to write a lot more. lately it's been pictures or videos, or short paragraph entries. i haven't been writing about a lot of things. partly i don't have as much time, partly i just don't seem to be as much into writing as i used to be, and in some cases, like youth group, there just isn't as much to write about.

i've changed a lot lately. i'm super responsible. they say that taking care of animals teaches responsibility... i guess it took me about 18 or 19 years for that fully sink in. i used to be so lazy. i still am, but much less. i used to be really bad at keeping things clean. i used to let things get really bad, until i couldn't stand it anymore and finally gave in and cleaned. i've lived in some unthinkable conditions at times... but never would have admitted it. but that's changed now. i realized that it's so much better, and easier, to just keep things clean on a regular basis.

a large part of that behavior has to do with how i was raised, but i won't get into that...

now i keep somewhat of a "cleaning schedule," and i stick to it pretty well. i actually do things when i don't feel like doing them. that was unheard of a few years ago. it was all about doing only what i felt like doing. i learned that no matter how much i don't wanna do it, i always feel so much better when i'm done. i feel like i got something done, and i usually feel physically better, having actually got a bit of exercise. i really need to get more active... and i have been trying to.

i spend a ton less time online. i still spend a lot... but much less than i used to. i used to be on it day and night... now it's mostly just night. well, ok...my days are pretty short compared to my nights... but trust me, it is a lot less time. or maybe i should say... it used to be nearly every waking moment. now it's like, maybe 50% of my waking moments. yeah, still a lot... but 50% less, that's pretty good.

or something.

anyway...

i also try to eat healthier. i used to live off of frozen microwavable stuff. now i consume that stuff only occasionally. i eat less pizza. the grease was starting to get to me. it's just gross. i eat a lot more home made stuff, a lot of fruits, drink a lot of juice... and i think it makes a small difference in how i feel.

so yeah. that was my, "i'm different than i was" speech. of course i'm also still very much the same. still filled with all sorts of fears and stuff.

i was thinking last night about all the things i'm afraid of. i'm afraid of the future. i'm afraid of not getting the very things i want most in life. i'm afraid that my life holds no real meaning. i'm afraid that i'm not worthy to be in God's kingdom. i'm afraid that i can never live up to what i'm meant to be. i'm afraid of fire. i'm afraid of losing people. i'm afraid of tornados in north dakota...especially since i keep hearing of tornados lately. i'm afraid of being myself. i'm afraid of people looking down on me. i'm afraid of people thinking untrue things about me. i'm afraid of people seeing me the way that the kids at my old school did. i'm afraid of doing things wrong. i'm afraid of living the rest of my life alone. i'm afraid of being hurt. i'm afraid of pain. i'm afraid of fear...

"all of these things, i've held up in vain
no reason, no rhyme
just the scars that remain
of all of these things, i'm so much afraid
scared out of my mind
by the demons i've made..."

that totally just popped into my head...

let's see, what else did i wanna write about? oh yeah. i've been driving lately. my dad hasn't had insurance or a valid driver's license for the last few years. that's what mostly was hindering my being able to practice. it cost him about 450 dollars, but he finally got it all straightened out. he's completely legal, and i can drive without him worrying that we'll get pulled over and the car will be taken away.

i drove to the barn and back on sunday. yesterday, i drove to the feed store. i'm getting used to it again pretty quick, and pretty much all the nervousness has vanished. i really think it's fun. i could do it all day... if gas didn't cost so much. i bet you i'll have a license by the end of the summer. that'll be a major step in, you know... beginning my life and stuff.

so, yeah... i guess that's what's going on in the life of sarah. i wanna start writing about youth group again. maybe i'll write about this week's...we'll see.

i also wanted to show you this:

(you can click it for a larger version...)

i got it a few weeks ago while in class. it was quite unexpected and surprising, as the teacher said, "before i begin, i have a certificate for someone..." and then gave it to me. it's from that networking class i took a while back. i guess it has to do with it being part of some cisco thing. if i wanted, i could take three classes, then take a test... and get some certificate saying that i can do all things networking. i hate networking though.

it was sorta cool though. people were congratulating me and stuff. one of them was the guy who opened the door for me once...

i was walking down the hall, and he was a few feet ahead of me. he went through the door, and it didn't swing back like usual. as i got there, i saw that he was waiting, holding it open. i said "thanks," and he smiled at me. we then got to the next door at about the same time. i thought to myself that i should run ahead, and hold it open for him. that would have been cute. but of course i didn't.

yeah, lots of people have held the door open for me, and i've held it open for lots of people. but that was an abnormal holding of the door. usually people only do it if there's someone right behind them. he had to wait a while.

anyway... i think i'm gonna stop rambling, and do some homework or something.

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