they have a nice couch

Sunday, Feb. 17, 2008 | 6:07 AM

the last few days have been exhausting. i didn't get much sleep on thursday, and then that day turned out to be extremely emotionally draining. i cried most of the night, which is itself very exhausting, and wears me out quite a lot. i wasn't just crying about frisky, i cried about some other things too. i cried and talked to myself, telling myself everything that i wanted to say. i was thinking to myself, "i am SO GLAD that i get to see melissa tomorrow."

i didn't get to bed until 8 am that night, because i had a really hard time getting myself to focus on what i was doing when getting ready for bed. my mind kept drifting away. so then i didn't get much sleep, which didn't help my exhaustion, but only made it much worse.

my alarm woke me up at 12:30, but i fell back asleep. i then woke up again, on my own, at 1. see, God is awesome and didn't let me stay asleep and end up sleeping for five more hours and ruining my plans to see melissa.

it was so hard to get myself out of bed. i thought about calling and canceling, but i really wanted to talk. so i got up, and i got ready to go, and i went out to walk to the bus stop and deal with the anxiety on the bus which is also a little draining as well. it was so torturous, but oh, i wanted to talk so bad.

i was planning on leaving at 2, but i ended up leaving about ten minutes after 2. then, when i was almost at the bus stop, i realized that i'd forgetten to take money for the bus fare. i had to walk back home and then out to the bus again. i then had to wait for what seemed like forever for the bus to come. i really wanted to sit down, but i was too nervous to sit next to the lady who was already sitting on the bench. i leaned against the glass of the shielded stop, like a hamster leaning against the wall of a glass cage.

when the bus finally came, it was packed. there were so many people, that they were standing all up and down the middle part. i had to stand right up front, because there wasn't even room to move back farther. i so, so wanted to sit down, but i could not. i'm lucky i didn't pass out.

i was, however, surprised at everyone's politeness in such a situation.

the next stop was filled with much people, so again i couldn't sit on the bench. luckily, though, i didn't have to wait long for the bus, and there was much more room on it. i finally got to sit, in the front, right behind the driver.

when i was just a couple blocks from melissa's place, this creepy guy came on. he sat down on the seat next to me, and also on about half of mine. he like, seriously, sat down almost on my leg. he wasn't a huge fat guy. he didn't need more than one seat. it was as if he was oblivious that i was there. i didn't move at this point, i just scooted over as far as i could.

there was a lady with a baby across from us, and he leaned forward and took something out of his pocket. i didn't know what it was. it looked like something made out of beads or something. he asked the lady, "is the baby a boy or a girl?"

"he's a boy," she answered.

"oh, if it was a girl, i was about to give the baby a gift," he said while holding out the object.

"oh, no, he's a boy."

"i was about to give the baby a gift," he repeated.

at the next stop, she and her baby got off the bus.

he then leaned back, and leaned on me. not against my side, but back against the front of me. it was very disturbing. i looked out, and saw other people on the bus all looking at him and me. i then got up and sat down on a seat on the other side. i stared at the window, not looking back at him. luckily, the bus then stopped at my stop a moment later.

i so hate riding the bus.

i walked to melissa's apartment, and knocked on the door. she let me in and asked, "how are you?"

"i don't know," i said as i collapsed onto the couch.

i told her, "for one, i'm exhausted. and i still can't talk to bryce, and my ferret died yesterday, and something creepy happened on the bus."

i wanted to tell her all the things that kept going through my head the night before, all the things that i had repeated to myself, but before i got a chance, joel came home. i guess i had thought that there would be more time with just the two of us.

it really is easier to talk with just melissa, than with the both of them. i mean, i like joel. he's a good guy. i like them both, a lot, and when they are together they can be pretty entertaining... but i guess two people are a little more intimidating than one. it's harder to worry about what two people are thinking of you, than worrying about what one person is thinking of you. and i guess i feel like melissa is a little more patient with me.

so i was my usual almost silent self. on top of that, i was so tired that i could hardly hold my head up, and i started to feel sick.

they tried asking me what i wanted to do, but i would only shrug or say "i don't know." at one point, they started to read the paper. i was like, um, ok, i'll just uh, sit here and stare at this wall...

melissa said she was sorry if i was bored, and that she felt like she should be entertaining her guest. that's kinda interesting... i've never thought of myself as a "guest" there before. i mean, when i have tara come over, and when i had kayleigh come over back in the kayleigh years...i never thought i had guests coming over. i thought i had friends coming over. for some reason i never considered before that melissa and joel should be entertaining me. i'm always worried about being the one who's not entertaining.

melissa wanted to go to the store and buy a movie for joel, but i really didn't want to. i didn't want to be annoying by not agreeing to go, but i was so tired and rapidly feeling more sick, and all i wanted to do was talk and cry.

joel went to take a shower, and i attempted to talk to melissa then. i wasn't able to say much though, and i started to cry a bit. i didn't want to start crying a lot, and be all crying when he got out of the shower. the last time i was there and cried a lot, i felt like i annoyed him.

i said, "i'm sorry i suck so much."

"i don't accept your apology," she said, "because i don't think you suck."

aww, come on, accept it anyway.

what i should probably do, is start saying "thank you" instead of "i'm sorry." i never really show much appreciation. i guess that's kinda hard for me to do for some reason. so next time i should say, "thank you for dealing with my suckiness," instead of "i'm sorry i suck." of course, being overly thankful is probably just as annoying as being overly apologetic.

i was frustrated with myself, so i also said, "i'm hopeless."

"i don't know what to say," she said.

that was a little discouraging. she couldn't even say, "you're not," or something like that.

then i was just silent until joel got out of the shower. i got myself to stop crying, hoping he wouldn't see.

they again asked me what i wanted to do. i was feeling so depressed, that i didn't want to do anything. i would have given in to the park idea, though, had i not been feeling physically bad as well.

i knew i was being so boring. i asked them, "what would you be doing if i wasn't here?"

joel said, "probably going to the store and putting my check in the bank."

"or nothing," melissa said.

i felt bad. i was keeping them from doing what they wanted to do. i'm sure melissa's "or nothing" was just out of niceness.

i told joel about frisky dying, and i was still sniffling a bit from my crying. as i grabbed the pillow to rest my head on, melissa asked, "do you want a tissue or something?"

"no."

she was probably afraid of me getting snot on the pillow. don't worry melissa, i won't get snot on your pillow. or your couch. i'm careful about that.

as time went on, i was thinking that they were probably going to want to take me home soon. i was preparing myself for this, because i wasn't really wanting to go home yet. that was a selfish thought, though, since i was just being boring and keeping them from going to the store like they wanted. but i guess i never really want to go home. home sucks. so when melissa asked, "would you want to stay longer if we got a pizza and rented a movie?" i said, "sure."

at first i only really heard the "stay longer" part. then the pizza and movie part hit me. i said, "wait, all three of us go?"

they said, "yeah."

i asked, "could just one of you go?"

i felt like i was being so complicated and unagreeable... but i really, really didn't feel up to it.

so just joel went, leaving melissa and i alone again.

she had a book, and asked me, "what if i just read to you?"

i said, "i'd probably fall asleep," as she said, "it's about marriage."

"oh, marriage is depressing," i said.

"why?"

"well, it wouldn't be depressing to you. but it's depressing to me."

again, she asked, "why?"

i shrugged.

it later occurred to me that she probably really did have no idea why i said that. to me, it's completely obvious why i said that. i mean, marriage isn't depressing, it's a great thing. but the idea of it i guess is depressing to me, for the same reason that love songs are depressing, and people being all lovey-dovey with their boyfriends and girlfriends is depressing, and people that i know getting married is depressing. why can't i have that? i've never even had a boyfriend, and i've been wanting one since i was about 14. why can't i fall in love. it would be so wonderful. i really want to have a husband and children someday, but i worry that i won't get that, because i'm so...the way i am.

sigh.

i was still increasingly feeling more sick, and i began to feel like i was going to throw up. i knew i wouldn't, because i never do, but it was still a sucky feeling. when i was little, i'd heard that eating crackers helps. i don't know if that's true, but that's always what i've done. i asked melissa, "do you have crackers?"

"we have ritz crackers."

"oh, you don't have regular crackers?"

"no. do you not like ritz crackers?"

"well, maybe with cheese or something on them, but not by themselves."

so she got up and sliced some cheese and gave me some cheese and crackers. as i was eating them, somehow the subject of me eating pizza came up. she asked if i would eat some, and i said something like, "yeah, if you're bothering to get it, i'll eat some." now that i can eat with them, i feel like i should like, be polite and eat if they bother to get food or make food or something.

then i thought to myself, they'd have to eat anyway. so i said, "but then again, you'd probably be eating anyway."

"well if you didn't want to eat, then i'd call joel and tell him, because he would probably want to order something else."

"oh."

i wasn't sure what to do, so i decided to say, "i'll eat some."

i then realized that if i was going to be eating pizza, then i should probably not eat all of the crackers. i wanted to eat them all, but i knew that i wouldn't be able to eat a lot.

meanwhile, melissa looked around for her chapstick. "i'm emotionally attached to my chapstick," she said. she couldn't find it though.

after sitting back down, she asked, "is it ok if i have a piece of cheese?"

"yeah," i said, "you can have a cracker too."

"i just want the cheese."

"i feel like if i eat more, then i won't be able to eat pizza."

"that's fair."

she started talking again about her finger (she had earlier talked about how she burned it), and how she had hurt the same finger on the other hand...that one time that she cut herself. she held it out, asking, "can you see the line?"

i couldn't really see, so i said, "no."

so she held it out and said, "look."

i was like, "do i have to?"

i don't know. i guess looking closely at someone's finger seemed like a kind of awkward thing for me to do. but then i felt awkward not doing it. i tried to fix it by saying, "i don't usually inspect other people's fingers."

"i inspect my own fingers," she said, "sometimes i inspect joel's fingers."

i attempted to make some sort of joke, "well don't inspect my fingers." but "inspect" kinda came out as "expect."

she laughed. "did you say, 'don't expect my fingers?'"

"yeah, i tried to say inspect."

she was like, "i know, but i heard expect, and i thought it was funny."

"i was hoping you wouldn't notice."

then she said, "i'm laughing because i thought it was funny, i'm not like, 'haha you can't talk.'"

i hope she didn't feel like she shouldn't have laughed or something. i thought nothing of it. i laughed too. i do fail at talking sometimes. sometimes i open my mouth and words just don't come out like they're supposed to. i also sometimes have trouble with the "s" sound for some reason.

then she started to read. i was thinking, aww, come on, am i that boring? i was trying to talk and be unboring...but i guess i failed. i still wanted to talk more about how i was feeling, but i couldn't. sigh.

a few minutes later, joel got back, with a pizza and a movie called "breach."

i was still feeling so bad. i kinda felt like i was feeling the way frisky had looked like he was feeling. i think it was a combination of extreme exhaustion and extreme depression. maybe going over there wasn't best idea after such a day i'd had the day before...but i really wanted to.

i lifted my head off of the couch when melissa asked me, "do you want one or two pieces?"

i said, "one," and then plopped my head back down.

joel said, "you're really tired, aren't you kiddo?"

they began the movie, and i ate my piece of pizza. after i finished, i sorta laid down, all scrunched on my one little cushion. the picture on the lcd screen looked really weird from down there. the people were all like black and stuff. it was an interesting way to watch a movie.

at first, it looked like the movie wasn't going to be interesting, but then it actually got really interesting. it felt like sorta a sad movie to me, for some reason. i was kinda hoping there would somehow be a twist, and the guy would actually not be guilty, and there would be happy ending. i suppose the ending was happy...they caught the guy. but then i found out that it was a true story, and now that guy is in solitary confinement for 23 hours a day... and that is not happy. that is horrible! that is cruel and unusual punishment. it would be kinder to kill him that to make him live like that. if i was in such a situation...i'd kill myself. isolation is a terrible thing.

after the movie ended, they took me home. then i went and crawled into bed and did what i'd been wanting to do all day... i cried a whole bunch.

even though i was so tired and feeling so bad, i still ended up staying up to a very late (or early) hour again. i then slept until almost 7 pm.

and wow... it took a long time to write this.

...................... .......................................... ............................................. .......................... ....................... .......................... ................................................... ................................ .................. ...................... .......................................... ............................................. .......................... ....................... .......................... ................................................... ................................ .................. ...................... .......................................... ............................................. .......................... ....................... .......................... ................................................... ................................ ..................