have i mentioned lately that God is awesome?

Thursday, Jan. 31, 2008 | 3:07 AM

i sat in the car, sick, crying and shaking in fear. the windows fogged up as melissa and i parked in the mall 205 parking lot, on that cold tuesday night. i covered my face and watched my snot drip as i repeated the words that swirled about inside my head. i didn't get to talk about all that i wanted to talk about, or say all that i wanted to say, but somehow great progress was made in the hour and half that we sat in that parking lot.

"i feel stupid," i said.

she replied, "i don't think your stupid."

"what if you're just saying that because you're nice."

"what if you be nice and believe me."

"it's not a matter of being nice."

"what if you be a friend and believe me."

i cried harder, "it's not a matter of being a friend, it's a matter of something in my mind."

i talked about missing bryce, the stupid pills, and my feeling of lacking friends. it got to the point that she said she wished she had some advice but did not.

i took this opportunity to try to tell her that i'm not seeking profound advice, or magic words from her. she doesn't need to know how to help. honestly, i think wanting to help is a large part of knowing how to help. i think she can help, just by being a friend.

i don't know if i got all of that across, but it ended with her asking, "are you saying that you want me to help?"

i choked out, "it's my only option," between my sobs. i attempted to explain my reasoning of it being my only option, but i came to a dead end in a sentence and failed. i don't deny that she has tried to be my friend, and that i do already consider her one, along with others, like joel and tim. the thing is, i need "a friend that i can talk to like i can with bryce, and do crazy things with like i can with tara."

she asked me what it would take for me to be able to do that, and i said, "time."

this is when i realized that the roadblock in our friendship was my lack of trust in her. she would want it to not take so long, because she thinks the opposite of the way that i do. she said she trusts people until she finds a reason not to, while i think that "everyone is bad till i decide that they are not."

"i don't like being the bad guy," she said.

"you're not bad."

"but you just said everyone is bad."

"but... it's not your fault."

after things that she said to me, i realized that she's not so scary after all. she's not being as judgmental as i assume in my mind that she might be, and she really does care. for the first time, i actually believed her. i realized that i could safely let a guard down, and my comfort level with her rose that night.

i was still shaking in fear, but was bold enough to ask if we could hang out again, just the two of us, sometime in the near future. we talked about times, and her schedule, and her lack of car while joel is at work. i decided that maybe it was ok if i let her come to my house. she said she had time on friday, and i said she could come over before my dad got home from work. she said she'd ride the bus over. then i was like, "oh yeah, the bus... i hate making you ride the bus."

"you could always ride the bus to my place," she said.

i decided that, yeah, there's no reason why i can't do that, besides the fact that i don't want to. she said we could trade off, so i agreed. so on friday i'm getting up early, and going out in the nasty cold, and riding the scary bus over to her apartment sometime after 1... and i'm excited.

i went home feeling encouraged, and more hopeful that i've been in quite a while.

and i don't feel like a loser anymore. at least, you know, for now...

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