i slept until 8 pm

Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007 | 10:14 PM

last night, i took the new pill that i was prescribed.

i didn't get to bed until 4 am, by the way. so i was awake for 37 hours.

anyway... i've said before that things usually hit me hard the first time i take them. this stuff, it didn't just hit me... it beat me up and left me for dead.

i first just felt weird. i can't really describe it any other way... just weird. then i began to twitch. the twitching got worse until i started shaking. i curled up in my bed and just shook for a while. i called my cats, and loki and spiffy and binky came and laid down next to me. i held binky and petted her.

it was like a wave that rushed over me. the shaking was bad for a few minutes, but then faded. i was then left with just some twitching, mostly in my face.

i also started coughing uncontrollably. my throat felt numb. i finally got up and sat at the computer for a few minutes, until the coughing stopped.

when i was back in bed, i couldn't relax or settle down. i couldn't stop moving. i started shaking again, but not as bad. i got very scared. i didn't chose to be scared, but it just happened, without my consent. i was scared, nervous, anxious. waves of several different emotions came over me without my control. at one point, i was suddenly startled by nothing. i sat up and stared out, but had no idea what i was looking at. i felt terrified and laid back down, pulling my blankets around me.

i faded into a state of this weird confusion. i felt like... this is gonna sound crazy... i felt like i wasn't there. i didn't feel my body. i was just confused and dealing with the emotions that came over me. i cried out, without thinking at all, "God, hold me." i felt so scared.

i thought all sorts of weird things. i didn't have control over my thoughts. i remember saying out loud, "where's my tongue?" i couldn't feel my tongue.

i kept thinking, "who am i? where am i?" i couldn't answer that question. then my mind kept repeating, "i'm God's daughter, and he's holding me." it was with these words that i finally fell asleep.

i was woken up at 9 am, to the sound of my parents fighting. it had to do with my birthday. i listened from the bathroom as my dad announced that he was leaving and moving out. he didn't mean it, but it wasn't fun to listen to. i wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

back in bed, i still couldn't relax or settle down. i couldn't stop moving and couldn't find a comfortable position to lay in. finally, i got up and took a desyrel with two doxylamine succinates. a few minutes later, it was like a blanket of calmness was put over me. i relaxed and fell back asleep.

i then slept till 8 pm.

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