the pineapples, they hurt

Wednesday, Oct. 10, 2007 | 3:48 PM

remember that teacher i talked about last spring, that always like called on me in class and stuff? i have him again this fall. of course he remembered me. now today, i actually got an email from him:

"Hi,

I wanted to check in with you and see how you were doing. You�ve been especially quiet in class and I am wondering if you are ok.

If you want, you can tell me to mind my own business and I promise that I will not be offended."

does that seem a little bit odd to you? moreover, what am i supposed to say?

"dear (insert teacher's name here),

no, i haven't been ok. i have been morbidly depressed. the whole time i'm in your class, i sit and think about strangling myself with the keyboard wire. thoughts of sorrow and pain drown out every word you say. forgive me for being so quiet in your class, i'm sure it makes you hate me. sometimes i imagine the other students pelting me with books and computer mice and pineapples, because they hate me so much. i feel unworthy to gaze upon the shiny new lcd monitor, and use the new 3ghz computer. i deserve to be at an old, 700mhz machine with windows 95, and a 10 inch monitor. that's how low i feel in your class. every night when i leave, i think about drowning myself in the fountain.

now that you have emailed me about my horrible, terrible quietness, i suppose it is time to end it all. goodbye, (insert teacher's name here)"

yeah, better not say that.

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