the beach and church and sleeping pills

Tuesday, Aug. 14, 2007 | 5:13 PM

here's my long entry about the events from wednesday until today. it includes me going to the wednesday thing at the church for the first time in a long time, a short trip to the beach, and then a confession about my stupidness at the end.

the end part is really lame and stupid. after reading this, feel free to tell me how stupid i am... but i assure you, i already know.

...

i walked into the church on wednesday, carrying bubble. some old lady said, "hi."

"hi."

"haven't seen you in a while."

i didn't know what to say to that, so i just kinda walked away. i went and sat on the steps. i wasn't there long, before rachel called me over. i sat down next to her at the table. "that's a cute dog, is it a girl or a boy?"

"a girl."

"that's the best kind. what's her name?"

"bubble."

"that's cute. that's good that its not plural, otherwise it wouldn't make sense. how old is she?"

"about three months."

"how big will she get?"

"um... hopefully not too much bigger."

"i like them small."

a little kid came over and asked if he could pet her. i said, "yeah." he began petting her, and giggling as she tried to lick his hands.

rachel said to him, "guess what her name is."

"i don't know," he replied.

"bubble. not bubbles. it doesn't have an s, because she's just one dog."

next a little girl came over and asked if she could pet her. i nodded. she hovered over my lap for a very long time. she told me about her cat, and then told me probably every dog story she could think of. she talked about some relative of hers that has a white fluffy dog, and how her family once found a dog out in the rain and got reward money for returning it to its owners. i had no idea what to say to all this, so i just sorta smiled and stuff.

at some point, joel came over. while petting bubble he said, "you sure are getting a lot of attention with that dog, aren't you."

another little boy came and petted her, and he enjoyed waving a cookie in front of her face. i was afraid he was going to give it to her. finally i said, "don't let her have it."

jordan's daughter, hannah, also came over for a look. she's the one that's like, mentally disabled or whatever. she was interested, but she didn't know exactly how to react.

after the hour for eating had ended, rachel said, "let's go get a seat." so i followed her into the bench like thingy room.

"where do you want to sit?" she asked.

i shrugged.

"in the back?"

i nodded.

so we sat down in the very back. bubble climbed out of my lap, and sniffed around on the bench like thingy. rachel asked if she could hold her. i nodded.

joel and melissa came over, and they were like, "you're sitting in the back?"

"bubble likes it better," rachel said, "she's bubble, not bubbles, because she's just one dog."

"is that what sarah told you?" melissa asked.

"no," rachel answered, "but i've been saying it to everyone."

at that moment, some old guy came over and looked at bubble. rachel said to him, "her name is bubble, because she's just one dog." he walked away.

"this conversation is getting awkward," joel said, "just so you know."

joel and melissa wanted to move farther up, so we got up and moved. i really didn't want to, but i kinda had to follow, because rachel still had my dog. they didn't just move farther up, they moved ALL THE WAY up. we sat in the very front. i hated it. i am never sitting in the very front again, no matter what they say or do.

rachel gave bubble back to me, and everything was ok, until she began hacking while the guy was up speaking. i thought she was going to throw up. i couldn't go take her outside, because i didn't want to walk from the very front by all of the other people. it was horrible. thankfully, she stopped hacking and didn't throw up. i have no idea what i would have done if she had.

when the guy was done talking, i got up to leave the room, but didn't make it very far before i was stopped. a lady began petting bubble and asking me questions, and she was soon joined by another lady. after i escaped them, i walked out of the room and towards melissa. i was kinda hoping to possibly get the opportunity to maybe talk to her or something.

"you're getting a lot of attention, aren't you?" she asked as i neared her.

i nodded.

"i saw some ladies hovering around you. does bubble like the attention?"

"yeah."

joel walked over and said to me, "you're invited to a barbecue, if you want to come."

"when?" i asked.

"two... on sunday, at our place."

"will there be anyone there i know?"

joel thought about it, and came to the conclusion that there wouldn't be. i decided at that moment that i wouldn't be going. if i knew that i'd go there, and joel and melissa would spend at least some time talking to me, i might have considered it. but i imagined that it would be somewhat like her birthday party. i was kinda ignored. i didn't want to go and be ignored again... it's not much fun.

melissa realized that she'd lost something, and went to find it. she said, "don't leave." so i just sat down. when she came back, she asked me, "so how are you?"

i said, "ok," even though i really didn't want to.

"what have you been up to?"

i wanted to say so much, but instead i just said, "um... i don't know."

"you don't know?"

"not a lot, i guess."

i was angry at myself.

"it was nice meeting tara," she said, "have you been hanging out with her a lot?"

"i haven't really been able to much."

"how come?"

"i guess because she's been away."

"where is she now?"

"i actually don't know."

she began talking to other people, and i continued to sit there, still feeling angry at myself. as i was sitting there, some guy came over to pet bubble. "she's been so quiet," he said, "that i wanted to come make sure she was actually alive."

sarah, tim's sister, also petted her.

most of the people had left, and i was considering calling my dad. i was still hoping melissa might talk to me more. i always sit around hoping things like that. it's pathetic. my thoughts were interrupted when jordan began talking to me about an email he had sent me that day about the website. i walked over to him, and then followed him around as he turned off all the lights and talked to me about it. it looks like the website is gonna finally be made. now it's up to me, to not put it off.

i followed him all the way out into the parking lot, as the very last of the people were leaving. i began calling my dad, but then melissa said, "we can give you a ride." i didn't know what to do, so i just hung up my phone, and waited while she finished talking to jordan's wife rachel.

"you can just always assume that we'll give you a ride," she said as we walked to the car. i kinda have been starting to, because they kinda keep giving me one.

during the drive, melissa told me something about some guys, but i actually can't really remember what she said. i do remember, however, when she said, "boys are weird, aren't they sarah?"

yes. yes they are.

for some reason i didn't know what to say to this, i guess, so i kinda didn't say anything. i seem to be great at creating awkward moments like that. after a pause, she said, "you're probably thinking, 'you just think that melissa, because your husband is so crazy.'"

as we pulled up to my house, joel asked, "so what do you think of the barbecue?"

"um... it would probably be kinda scary."

"well i understand if you don't want to come, but if you want to meet new people, it might be a good place to do that."

meeting new people is ok, but what i really would like to do is became closer to the ones that i already know.

melissa then said something about how we have to hang out. i eagerly nodded at this. she said, "i'll call you. or if you get tired of waiting, you can call me, because i might forget."

"just don't call when you're awake, at like 1 am," joel said.

melissa said, "she's probably thinking, 'don't call me when i'm sleeping.'"

"yeah, what time do you get up?" joel asked, "like four?"

"yeah," i said, "but it really doesn't matter. you can call and wake me up if you want."

joel then started talking about how if someone calls at 1 am, he'll assume they're stranded somewhere and need to be picked up. he imparted on me the advice that i should always pick people up when they need it.

at this point, we'd been sitting in front of my house for what seemed like a few minutes. they just kinda kept talking, and i wasn't sure what i was supposed to do. i didn't know if they kept talking because they were waiting for me to leave, and that i should actually leave so that they could stop talking, or if i should wait for them to stop before leaving. it's little things like this that i just don't know. as joel was talking, i tried to open the door, and found that it was locked...

i just realized that i could totally give this a creepy ending at this point. about how they wouldn't open the doors, and got out the ax...

but actually they unlocked the doors, and melissa said, "oh, that's why you haven't escaped from our car yet."

as i walked to my door, melissa called out the window, "we have youth group this sunday."

"ok," i said.

then off they drove.

after i walked in the door, the craziness ensued. we had been planning on going to the beach on thursday, because it was my mom's birthday. we had been talking of driving down early in the morning, or leaving that night and spending the rest of the night on the beach.

everything was kinda stressful. i didn't really want to sleep just a few hours and then have to get up and go, but my mom wasn't sure if she wanted to leave and get there in the middle of the night. i was extremely exhausted and still felt sick from all of the melatonin. i was also depressed, and had a "whatever" sort of attitude. i didn't really feel like going at all.

we did decide to go that night, so i had to try to pack up my stuff. i also still felt like i was in a hazy, confusing cloud. everything was difficult and decisions were confusing and hard to make. everything i did took a lot longer than it normally would have taken me. i had to sit down sometimes and remember what i was doing. i felt so tired and sick, all i really wanted to do was lay down.

we left at around 11. my dad had taken out the middle seat in the van, and i filled that space with sleeping bags and blankets and pillows. jessie and whiley were in the back, behind the back seat, and bubble was in her little kennel thing. i laid down amongst the blankets and stuff, and tried to relax.

i tried to use my little radio thingy to listen to the fish, but it wouldn't pick it up. my dad turned on his car radio, to his annoying music that i don't like. i said, "does that have to be on?"

he turned it off.

then i said, "do you think it would pick up the fish?"

"do you want me to put it on there?"

"kinda of. i always listen to it before i go to sleep."

so he put it on that and it was a lot better.

i did try to sleep, but it was kinda impossible. i like the vibration of the moving car, and if the floor had been comfortable, it probably would have put me to sleep. but it was all hard and painful, and i couldn't stay in one position for very long. i should have brought more blankets for more padding.

we arrived at our destination at about 1:30 am. we went to gearhart, where you can drive on the beach. we parked on the beach, and i got out and walked around. i felt a little better, being on the beach under the stars. the sky was amazing. it was unusually cloudless and filled with stars. in portland, you look up and see maybe 10 or so stars. standing there on the beach, i saw hundreds of stars. the sky was just filled with them. i couldn't believe it!

as my parents and i looked up in awe, we noticed that some of them were moving. for the first time ever, i saw shooting stars! i took whiley and walked away from my parents and the van. i went up on the grassy hill, and laid down in the sand, looking up. God is interesting. i was depressed, and he sent me to the beach. and as undeserving as i am, he even gave me a gift... he showed me shooting stars. for a while, i was at peace.

there was one star that was really bright as it shot across the sky. it lit up the atmosphere like lighting, and left a bright streak for a minute. there was another that was picture perfect. it slowly moved across the sky, running a short tail behind it, and then faded after a few seconds. most of the others were quick, and disappeared in a second.

as i laid there and watched all this, i realized that stars really do twinkle. it was the first time in a very long time that i'd seen hundreds of stars like that. here in portland, the sky is so lit up, that the stars are weak and not very bright. i never see them twinkle here.

i stayed there for about an hour, before heading back to the van where my parents were trying to sleep. knowing that i couldn't sleep, i started writing in my notebook about the wednesday thing. i didn't want to put it off, like i've done with youth group and stuff. around 3:30, i said to my dad, who was still awake, "um... i gotta pee."

"that's an adventure," he said.

"i don't think it's an adventure i want to experience."

my mom was woken, and told me how she had went in the sand next to the car.

"what was it like?" i asked.

"cold."

i just couldn't see myself having the coordination to successfully do it, so i put it off.

my dad and i were unable to sleep, and though my mom got a bit of sleep, she was really uncomfortable. we decided to go to a motel so that we could sleep for a few hours, but my dad wanted to wait until later in the morning, so we wouldn't wake them up.

sometime after 4, we went searching for a bathroom. we drove around looking for a gas station that was open. we finally found one, and then drove back down the beach and sat for a while longer. as the sun was coming up, my mom decided that she wanted some coffee, so we drove off again and found a little store. then again, we went back down to the beach. this time we just drove for a while. it was a very long beach, and it seems like you can just drive down it forever.

the rising sun was casting some very pretty light onto the ocean. it made the white part of the waves and the seagulls flying above them appear kinda pink. eventually i couldn't stand it any longer. i had my dad stop, so i could get out and take pictures. unfortunately i was a little too late. by the time i walked down to the ocean, clouds had covered the sun.

i decided then to let bubble out. it was her first beach experience, and she loved it. it was so cute as she excitedly ran around.

at around 7, we decided to go to the motel. we went to the same one that we'd went to that last time when we brought the dogs. at first the lady there made a mistake and gave us a room that someone else was still in (luckily she got to us before we walked in), so she gave us a different and better room for the same price. it was pretty large, for a motel room, and had three beds, with one of them in a little separate room. the dogs and i took that room.

we took our stuff in and got settled. my parents went to sleep around 8. i started trying to go to sleep around then, but it took me some time. first i had to get up and go to the bathroom. then i had to get up and stick a blanket across the bottom of the doorway to block the light coming in. then i had to get up and get my earplugs, to block out all the sounds from the noisy people in rooms around us. luckily they didn't make my ears itch this time. sometimes they do.

it was 8:45 when i looked at the clock for the last time before falling asleep. i woke up about four hours later, around 12:45. my parents were awake, and wanting to get going soon. i got up and ate and stuff, and then off we went.

i'd brought my laptop with me, but had been unable to access the internet. the motel we were in didn't have wireless, and of course i couldn't pick up any network on the beach. so we went driving around, looking for some little place that advertised wireless internet. eventually we found a little coffee shop. i got out with my laptop, and sat down at a table that they had out front. it did pick up the network, but it needed a password. i wanted my mom to go in and ask them for it, but she wanted me to come with her.

as we stood in line, she kept asking me if i wanted different things. it was like, "do you want this?"

"no."

"do you want that?"

"no."

"do you want this?"

"no."

"are you sure you don't want that?"

"yeah."

"do you want this?"

"i guess."

i finally gave in so she would stop asking me. the guy in line behind me found this funny. he laughed.

i ended up with some sort of "frozen hot chocolate" thing. that's kinda ironic, don't you think? i wondered if there was some coffee or something in it, because it tasted kinda funny. i also wondered if there was caffeine in it, because i felt a little jittery for a while. after checking my email and statcounter and stuff, my mom checked her email, and then off we went to the beach.

my mom went for a walk, and my dad hung out by the van, while i played with the dogs and took a bunch of pictures. bubble was so cute. she kept picking up seagull feathers and pieces of crabs, and then prancing around with them before laying down to chew on them. she also discovered that she really enjoys digging. she liked digging down into the sand, and then stuffing her face into the hole. when i carried her down to the edge of the water to get some pictures of her by the ocean, she seemed completely unphased by the enormous body of water right next to her.

at about 6, we went back to the motel room. my parents left me there to lay down for a bit while they went to safeway. when they got back, we packed up our stuff and headed back to portland. i was really tired, so i just laid down the whole way home.

our little trip to the beach momentarily made me feel better, but the depression soon returned. i took a bunch of melatonin again that night, wanting to make myself sleep instead of sitting around feeling depressed.

now it's confession time... though i was wanting sleep, it wasn't the only thing i was seeking. it was the wooziness, fuzziness, numbness and confusion that was brought on by taking a bunch of sleep inducing things. it made me so out of it, that it was kinda like an escape from life. the problem is, i seem to build up tolerance to things pretty quickly. while they still made me sleep, they didn't give me that feeling i was wanting, even when i took five of them.

so... i added the antihistamines back in, even though they have some sucky side effects. i think it was friday night when i did this. i didn't overdo it, though, i took just one of them along with the melatonin. that still didn't do much though.

because i was busy/tired/depressed, i didn't go on chat or update my site in a few days. bryce naturally began to wonder. on saturday night, he emailed me asking me why. i had started thinking some crazy thoughts, and i was considering taking even more antihistamines to make me feel "out of it" until it put me to sleep. i decided that i should probably talk to bryce instead, so i went into the chat, hoping he'd come on. unfortunately, i was just a few mintues too late. the vistor log showed him visiting the site at 1:04 am... and me at 1:08 am.

in my frustration, i took a combination of benadryl, doxylamine succinate, pamprin and a bunch of melatonin. i wasn't overdosing on any one particular drug, but i combined a rather large amount of antihistamines. ideally they shouldn't be taken together.

the next day was sunday. i had youth group, which i'll write about later. the drugs still seemed to be having an effect on me when i was there. antihistamines can have a hallucinatory effect. i sat in the church, staring at the floor, watching it move. it slowly rippled, kinda like water. when i wasn't watching the floor, i was battling to keep my eyes open.

i did talk to bryce that night, and though i really wanted to talk to him about what i was starting to do with the pills, i couldn't get myself to. later that night as i was popping my pills, i was faced with a problem. i was out of benadryl. at first i took just the pamprin and doxylamine succinate with the melatonin. an hour later, when i hadn't achieved my desired wooziness, i made a rather stupid decision. i took another dose of doxylamine succinate.

it started out ok. the floor started moving again, and i was a little twitchy. i went to bed, and waited for the wooziness to set in. it never did, though... instead, i got really shaky, had random occasional stomach aches, saw shadows jumping around, and my heart began beating irregularly and sporadically. i freaked out, and got up to email bryce. i wanted to talk to him about what i was doing before it got too far. i knew i'd probably chicken out again the next time i talked to him, so i emailed him, telling him that i had to talk about something. once i send an email, it's sent. it's too late to chicken out. i then went back to bed and eventually fell asleep.

i woke up to a bunch of alerts from weather.com in my email inbox. i had signed up to receive emails when tornado warnings were issued in north dakota. i read through them, and began to worry as i read of tornados in mayville. the way it was written, it was like it was saying a tornado was actually going to happen, but now i think it really means that i tornado could happen. as i worried and sunk deeper into depression, i finally caved in and sent melissa an email. she had told me to call her, but an email is as far as i could go.

i also sent bryce an email, asking him to email me as soon as he saw it, so i could stop worrying. after receiving a reply from him, informing me that there had been no tornado, i felt a little better.

it might be silly to worry so much about tornados over there... but i can't help it. and hey, he did worry when i was gone for four days. so we're even. or something...

later that day, i went and took two doxylamine succinate pills again. i figured i'd survived it the first time, so i'd survive it again. i was hoping that since i didn't wait through a 24 hour period to take more, it would increase my chances of achieving the wooziness. i know it was terribly stupid. it was like, the farther i went with it, the more i was losing my mind. i wasn't even really depressed when i took them this time. it was less of a wanting to escape, and more of simply just... wanting.

i took the first one around 9 pm, and took the second one an hour later, around 10 pm. just a few minutes after taking the second, bryce came on msn and talked to me. i did end up achieving my wooziness this time, and i talked to him throughout the whole... time of wooziness, or whatever. it made it difficult to focus at times.

he of course told me to stop taking the pills. it's what i knew he would say, and kinda what i wanted to hear. i fought him on it though. i have this rebellious streak in me, and it makes me not want to do what people tell me to do. it may be the world's best advice, but i can't just like, immediately "give in." i searched my tired and confused mind for the logic to defend my usage (or "abuse," as he put it) of the drugs. it was when he said, "what do you want from me," that was just like... ouch. i then felt the need to apologize all night.

by the time i wanted to go to bed, much of the tiredness from the pills had passed. there was still some, but i didn't think it was enough to make me sleep. i had earlier been planning on just taking more doxylamine succinate before going to bed, but after taking to bryce, i felt too guilty. i didn't want to feel like i'd wasted three hours of his life. so i just took two melatonins instead.

i guess that's my answer to "what do you want from me." i knew if he told me to stop, i'd feel guilty if i continued, thus forcing me to stop before i took it too far.

but i must say... i'm finding myself really wanting to take something today.

...................... .......................................... ............................................. .......................... ....................... .......................... ................................................... ................................ .................. ...................... .......................................... ............................................. .......................... ....................... .......................... ................................................... ................................ .................. ...................... .......................................... ............................................. .......................... ....................... .......................... ................................................... ................................ ..................