the youth group beach trip

Tuesday, Jun. 05, 2007 | 9:07 PM

so here's what i wrote in my notebook during the trip...

12:24 am, friday night (or saturday morning)

joel and melissa came and picked me up around 4:45. they took me to the church, where we waited for what seemed like forever, until everyone was finally ready to go. we didn't leave until about 6. so i guess forever is an hour and fifteen minutes. our group consisted of me, melissa, joel, kellie, another sarah (but not the one that's tim's sister, a different one), dave, nick, ben, tim, paul (sarah's brother), and two girls that i don't really know, named rebecca and anna rose i guess. jordan didn't come. i guess he was in austria.

i rode with joel and melissa and kellie and sarah. everyone else rode in dave's van. we were lucky to have air conditioning, but that luck soon turned into... um... something other than luck. it got very cold. i guess joel and melissa are immune to the coldness or something. kellie and sarah had blankets. i had nothing. melissa asked me if i was cold. i shrugged. she asked me again later, and this time i nodded. so they gave me someone's sleeping bag that was laying by their feet. i think it was kellie's. it wouldn't have been my first choice of ways to become warm, but it worked.

we listened to the beatles for part of the ride. then melissa handed back the cd holder thing to sarah, asking her if she wanted to pick one. she chose some cd of joel's, because "go eat poop" had been written on it. yeah, that's a good way to choose a cd. it had some weird spongebob songs at the end of it. strange.

we finally got here sometime after 8. melissa decided to have the girls sleep downstairs, and the guys sleep upstairs. each had two rooms. all the girls decided that they all wanted to sleep in the same room together, even though that meant that some had to share a bed, and one had to sleep in the closet. i guess girls are community creatures like that.

it's sorta funny, because bryce and i were talking about how i'd really like to have my own room, and i'd settle for a closet. these girls were willing to sleep in a closet so they could all share a room. it didn't appear to have a door though, so that's kinda different i guess.

i was thrilled when i heard them decide this. this meant that the other room would be all free. as soon as i had the chance, i asked melissa, "could i migrate to the other room?"

she was like, "would you want to?"

i eagerly nodded.

"if you need to."

yes. yes, i definitely needed to. so i grabbed my stuff and moved it to the other room. yayness! that's what i was most nervous about.

this way i have privacy, and i can keep the light on as late as i want and stuff. the light buzzes though, and it sorta makes me want to throw rocks at it until it goes out. or something.

after putting my stuff in my room, i went back upstairs, where i sat on a couch while they made dinner. well, the girls made dinner. they made what they called tacos, but i'm pretty sure that i would call them burritos. i looked around and studied the room. it's like a living room, with a kitchen space sectioned off by counters. it has big windows overlooking some rooftops, with the ocean behind them. the walls are decorated with little lighthouses and fish and other oceany type things. there are two couches, a reclining chair, a rocking chair and a dining table with some wooden chairs on an orangish/brownish carpet. i sat across a tv that appears to play dvd and vhs, and noticed a nintendo on the floor under it. i looked around at this stuff until my mom called me.

i walked off into the hall, as she asked me about feeding animals and stuff. then i went and sat back down. tim came over and sat by me. he asked, "how was your week?"

"ok."

"were you talking to your parents?"

"yeah."

"were you telling them you got here ok?"

"sorta... she was asking about feeding the animals."

"she was asking how to feed the animals?"

"yeah."

"because she never does it?"

"yeah."

"and if they don't eat they'll die?"

"yeah... well, probably not."

"they'd get hungry."

"yeah."

"how are the bunnies? how's chubby?"

"ok."

"can you tell them apart?"

"well, sorta... i wrote numbers in their ears."

"did you really?"

"yeah."

"so chubby is number two."

"yeah."

then he said, "ask me a question."

i actually like it when he challenges me like that, even though my response was, "do i have to?"

i don't remember what he said, but it was something along the lines of yes.

"i don't know any questions."

"yes you do. don't lie to me."

"i don't have any questions."

"your mission is to ask me a question sometime tonight. do you accept?"

i shook my head.

then he changed it to, "your mission is to ask melissa a question sometime tonight."

"i already did, does that count?"

"no. i checked them mission rule book, and it doesn't. nice try though."

"can i do the asking you a question one?"

"no, it's too late. why, did you think of a question?"

"yeah."

"it won't count, but you can ask it just for fun."

"can i eat by myself somewhere?"

"do you think that would be best for you?"

"yes."

"would that be what's best, or what's more comfortable?"

"well otherwise i'll starve."

"but that's your choice."

"but either way, i'd starve."

he argued that it would be best for me to eat with everyone else. "don't you want what's best for you?"

"no."

as he continued on, i said, "what's best is i don't starve."

"starving isn't an option. what's best for you?"

i wouldn't answer that question, because i didn't want to admit that he was right. finally i said, "i dislike this conversation."

"ok."

and that ended it.

before getting up, he said, "sarah, if you wanna eat by yourself, that's your choice."

i understand that he's trying to help me by pushing me. as i said, i like to be challenged. he should continue, maybe one day i'll give in. so i won't say that he was mean about it, but i will say that melissa was much nicer.

while everyone was eating, melissa came over and asked me, "do you need some food?"

i shrugged.

"do you want me to make you a taco?"

"can i take it downstairs?"

she nodded.

so she made me a taco disguised as a burrito, and i took it down to my room. it was something that i would never normally eat at home. it had lettuce and beef and cheese. pretty much the only thing in there that i would normally eat is the cheese. i forced myself to eat it. it was HARD. i gagged some of it down, and had to tell myself to swallow many times. lettuce is disgusting!! it was the first time i'd consumed it in probably fifteen years.

i wasn't able to eat all of it, but i got over half of it in me. i was proud.

i brought some granola bars with me. it was the only thing i could find that didn't need refrigeration or microwaving. it wasn't enough to keep me from going hungry though. i brought them for emergency, or supplementation. after i choked down what i could, i ate an oreo granola bar so i'd have a better taste in my mouth. because, you know, the taste in your mouth is important.

then i just sorta sat there, enjoying my aloneness until melissa acme down.

"full?"

i nodded.

"you wanna come up and play a game... or watch us play a game?"

"ok."

so up i went.

at first melissa handed out a silly questionnaire thing. it had a bunch of ridiculous phrases on it, to which you were supposed to mark "like me," "somewhat like me," or "not like me." i was gonna keep one and bring it home and scan it, but i forgot. i found a version of it online though, here's some of things that were on it...

I salivate at the sight of mittens.
At times I am afraid that my toes will fall off.
As an infant, I had very few hobbies.
Some people look at me.
Cousins are not to be trusted.
Sometimes I think someone is trying to take over my stomach.
I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
My teeth sometimes leave my body.
I have always been disturbed by the size of Lincoln's nose.
I believe that I smell as good as most people.
Constantly losing my underwear doesn't bother me.
I believe in life after birth.
Weeping brings tears to my eyes.
Some songs make me burp.
I like to put chameleons on plaid cloth.
I never seem to finish whatever I.
It is hard for me to find the right thing to say when I am in a room full of cockroaches.

it was a joke though, and they didn't really do anything with it. i sorta like the, "i believe in life after birth."

then they played a game called "zoom." melissa handed out pictures on paper, everyone had about three. it was a sequence of pictures, starting with a picture of the earth in space, and zooming way in on something really small. they weren't supposed to show their pictures to anyone else. they had to talk about and describe them to figure out what order to put them. they put them face down, and when they were all done, they turned them over. they actually succeeded in getting them in the right order. it was sorta cool.

then they sang a bit, and melissa talked a bit. i guess the theme of the weekend will be christian fellowship and love and stuff. she said she each wanted us to have a partner for the weekend, to spend some time talking and praying with and stuff. at first i wanted to just be left out of this activity, but then i noticed that there was an even number of girls, in fact, an even number of people. i couldn't be left out without someone else being left out. so then i was hoping that i'd end up with melissa. it would be incredibly awkward with any of the other girls, who i don't know very much or haven't talked to very much. also, melissa is the only one that i really see regularly. so it would sorta be beneficial.

she told us to choose our partners, and everyone just sorta sat there. joel was like, "what are we supposed to do? is it like an auction? like, 'ok, who wants joel?'"

"well," she said, "how about we just pick our partners sometime tonight. like just ask someone, 'you wanna be my partner?' i didn't realize it would be so awkward."

everyone then just sorta hung out. melissa came over to me and asked, "do you wanna be my partner sarah?"

i nodded.

so yay. this will be interesting.

i then sat on a couch and watched as people played games and stuff. some played video games, some played jenga, and uno and connect four. the most amusing moments were when tim and nick tried to build a jenga tower on sleeping joel's back, and later when like five people picked him up and carried him to bed.

the girls all went to bed around 12ish, so i went downstairs too. i came into my little room, and i've been writing ever since. it's now 2:26 am. i don't feel ready to sleep yet, but i'm really sick of writing, so i'm gonna stop.

...

3:24 pm, saturday

after i stopped writing last night, i basically got ready for bed, since there was nothing else to do. unfortunately the bathroom downstairs is connected to the other room, so i have to walk through there to get to it. i quietly did so, and once in, i found that the girl's monthly curse was upon me. i was so hoping that it would wait a few days so i wouldn't have to deal with it on the trip. that sucks so bad.

i ate some granola bars, took my pills as usual, and went to bed around 3 am. i listened to my little mp3 player thing until about 3:40. i fell asleep some time after that. i think i'm getting better at sleeping in places away from home.

i first woke up around 7:15. breakfast was to be around 8:30, so i went back to sleep. i woke up again at 8:07. i laid there all tiredly for a while, wondering if someone was going to come and try to wake me up. they didn't. at 8:50, i got up. i got dressed and stuff, and headed for the bathroom. someone was in there, of course. i walked back to my room and waited a bit. i didn't wanna go upstairs and use the one that the guys were using.

melissa came and knocked on my door. i was like, "yeah?"

"are you awake?"

"yeah."

"can i come in?"

"yeah."

she opened the door.

"do you wanna come up for breakfast?"

"um, i guess."

"we have muffins, and fruit..." she listed off the available items, and then said, "or i could bring something to you."

"ok."

"do you like muffins?"

"what kind?"

she listed the types of muffins. i went with chocolate, so she brought me a chocolate muffin.

after i ate the muffin, i tried the bathroom again. still someone in there! it sucks sharing a bathroom with a bunch of girls. i went back into my room again and left the door open a little bit so i could see when she left. finally she did, and finally it was mine. then i went upstairs.

they began the singing thing again, and then tim talked more about christian fellowship and stuff. then we did our partner thing. melissa and i went outside. it was cold, sorta windy, and we just stood there rather than sitting. it wasn't my ideal conditions for trying to talk, but oh well. it was kinda awkward, but kinda good. she asked me some different things and stuff. she asked what i thought about the message, and what i thought of the riskiness of fellowship. i just said, "i don't know."

she asked me about my friend in north dakota.

"he is christian?"

i nodded.

"do you guys ever talk about spiritual things?"

i nodded.

"do you think you have fellowship with him?"

"yeah, if you can online."

one of the things that tim had talked about was confessing sin. he wanted us to write down a sin we'd done in the past few days, and try to confess it to someone at some point. i didn't write anything down. as melissa and i were talking, she shared her's with me. i thought it was sorta cool that she told me, though i had no idea what to say.

at one point she asked me, "do you like to be alone?"

"sometimes."

"but sometimes you hate it?"

i nodded, and then said, "it seems like all my real friends don't live here."

at another point she asked me, "do you still struggle with depression?"

i nodded.

"i pray for you when i think about it. i just wanted to let you know." there was some silence, and then she asked, "what do you think would make things better for you?"

"i don't know."

she rephrased the same question, and this time i answered, "friends." after a pause, i continued, "i really want friends, but it's pretty much impossible to make them."

"think so?"

i nodded.

"i don't think it is... do you think it could be because you don't let people get to know you?"

"maybe." there was some more silence, then i went on, "it takes a lot of time, and no one has or spends the time."

"think so?"

i nodded.

"i think people are more willing than you think, and maybe they don't think you're willing." there was some more silence, and then she asked, "did you know that i want to be your friend?"

what an awkward question to answer. "i guess i do now," i said.

"aww, i'm sorry i never told you before."

"i think you have actually."

"i want to be your friend, and i'm willing to spend as much time as i have. granted, i don't have a lot right now, but i think it's enough to have a friendship, don't you?"

i didn't really know how to answer that, so i said, "i guess."

"i want to be able to pick you up and take you places, and i want you to be able to tell me all about what's on your mind, and what you think is funny, and the crazy dreams you have..."

yes! that's what i want!

she then went on to tell me about the crazy dream she'd had that morning, about how joel suddenly turned on her and tried to kill her and stuff. that would be a bothersome dream.

as we walked back in, she asked, "so, do you want to be my friend?"

i nodded.

"ok, let's shake on it."

that's silly, but we did.

everyone regrouped, and i laid on the couch while they played a game. they had one big nail sticking out of a block of wood, and had to balance ten other nails on it. they actually succeeded, but i don't know how to explain how they did it. they were split into two teams, the guys and the girls. joel came over to me and said, "you should go join the girls, you might have some good ideas."

i shook my head.

"would you please sarah?"

i was thinking, "um... no?"

"i want you to get something out of this weekend."

i think i can get something out of the weekend without trying to balance nails. i didn't move, i stayed where i was.

next they made sandwiches to take to the beach with them. i still laid on the couch. i was feeling horrible, because, you know... the whole being female thing. the whole lower half of my stomach area or whatever felt like it was going to explode. i almost wanted to ask melissa if she had some ibuprofen or something, but i didn't.

kellie came over and talked to me for a bit.

"are you tired?"

i nodded.

"what time did you get to sleep last night?"

"like four."

"wow, what were you doing until then?"

"writing."

"that's cool, what do you like to write about?"

"my life."

"journaling?"

i nodded.

"i like journaling too. do you like to write poetry?"

"i used to, but i'm not very good at it."

"so you're more into prose and logical thought."

i nodded.

"yeah, sometimes poetry is more about how it sounds than what it says."

while they were making sandwiches, melissa came over and asked me if i wanted her to make me one. i didn't want to bring food to the beach, so i shook my head. at around 12, we all headed off.

the girls all went to some coffee place thing before the beach, but i didn't want to. i had no interest in that. i just wanted to get to the beach, so i went with the guys. it was about a 5 - 10 minute walk. it was like this...

as soon as we got there, i walked off by myself.

ah, the ocean at last! oh ocean, how i love you! i walked around taking some pictures, and then i sat down to just watch the ocean. out of earshot of anyone, i began singing those same types of songs that the group was earlier singing to tim's guitar in the house. i really do love singing those songs, when i'm by myself. it makes me happy. it's especially cool to do it when in an amazing beautiful place, like the beach. i was very happy as i sat there. God is so awesome and stuff.

i was near the edge of the water, and sometimes the waves came really close to me. i wondered if a mustard seed of faith can tell a tree to uproot itself and plant itself in the ocean, then perhaps a half a mustard seed of faith could tell the waves to only come to a certain point. i probably don't even have half a mustard seed of faith, but i believed the waves wouldn't hit me anyway, and they didn't.

then, dave came along. he sat down next to me to watch the ocean too. i didn't mind his company, but he sorta disturbed my peacefulness and stuff. then a wave came up and made us jump back real quick, soaking the spot i had been sitting. it's all dave's fault. he broke my concentration.

no, it actually probably isn't.

after a while, he left, and i was happy again. it always seems like people always leave me alone when i don't want them to, and don't leave me alone when i do want them do. well, not always. sometimes it's the way i want it... or whatever.

i was there for about two and a half hours, until i decided that i was really cold. i walked over to all the others, who were sitting around eating. i thought maybe if i sat with the others, their body heat might emanate and i might be a tad warmer. i watched nick, joel, tim and paul run all the way out into the waves, completely soaking themselves. just watching them made me feel colder. how could they stand it? those crazy guys.

after they did that, we all went back to the house. during the walk, joel said to me, "you have really vibrant red hair, sarah."

yes, i know. thanks for reminding me again.

"i think you're the only person i've met who's hair i would actually say is red."

yeah, i have no idea why i ended up with this unique hair. i guess i'm just unique all around.

when we got into the house, i went down to my room. i had sand built up in my shoes, but i didn't wanna knock it out on the porch in front of all the other people. i don't know why. i just don't like doing anything in front of other people.

i'd brought a plastic bag, which i wrapped around my water bottle in my backpack. i filled it with ice so it would stay cold as long as possible. i knew as it melted, the outside of the bottle would get all wet, so i wrapped it in the plastic bag. i converted this bag into a garbage bag for my granola bar wrappers and my hair blob that i pulled out of my brush. for lack of nothing better, i used this bag also as my shoe dumping bag.

i ate some granola bars, then decided to write about my day so far, and i've been writing ever since. it's now 4:46. i don't know what they're doing upstairs, but from what i'm hearing, it sounds like they're just sorta hanging out. i guess since i'm done writing now, i'll go find out.

...

11:59 pm, saturday night

just as i finished writing, melissa came down and asked me if i wanted to go with them to play bigger or better. i said, "ok," and went upstairs. melissa counted us off, and i was on team two, with tim, sarah, ben and dave.

we went around door to door, trying to trade off things for something "bigger or better." we started with a penny. i was kinda surprised how willing most people were to participate. most people laughed at us. i guess if someone came to my door with the same request, i'd laugh too. i tried to get an audio recording of the first few houses. i'll listen later to see if any of it came out.

the first house we came to that answered the door gave us a hershey bar for the penny. the second one gave us a rose thing for the hershey bar. the third gave us a folding plastic coat hanging thingy. the fourth gave us the weirdest thing ever...

it was a salt and pepper shaker shaped like the upper half of a lady. the actual salt and pepper holder things were her um... two very large um... well, you know. i'm sure your mind is dirty enough to imagine. if it isn't, well, then good for you. i'm gonna get pictures from tim, so you'll see it soon enough.

it was so very strange, so very awkward, and so very wrong... especially for a youth group. but it was so very funny. it was handed to tim, so he was stuck holding it. no one else would carry it. we had a hard time trading it off. we were turned down three times, before someone finally gave us a plant for it.

the next person we came upon invited us into his garage, to pick an item from his up and coming garage sale. we took an inflatable chair shaped like spongebob. he didn't want the plant, so then we had both. he was among those that laughed at us. he thought we were pretty strange. "are you from around here?" he asked.

"no, we're from portland," dave said.

"i moved here from there a few years ago," he said, "but we were never as strange as you guys."

they liked the spongebob, so they kept it and tried to trade the plant off at the next house. this guy took the plant, and let us look through a box of stuff going to goodwill, saying we could take whatever we wanted. so then we ended up with some cowboy hats and an "ice cream sundae" sign thing for tim's wall. as if he has the wall space.

at this point, it was about time to head back. we met up with the other group on our way. they ended up with a bike, a vcr, a printer, a nordic track thing, a kite, a hanging light fixture and probably something else that i forgot. the guys went to donate the unwanted stuff that had been gathered to goodwill, while the girls went in to cook dinner. i just laid on the couch. i was really tired.

as everyone later ate spaghetti, i went down into my room to eat some granola bars, and to lay on my bed and say "ow" to myself for a while. i was still feeling pretty lousy.

at about 8:30, we went back out onto the beach to make a fire. as we were leaving, joel ran back in to find his coat, and melissa went to help him look. me and the girl named rebecca stayed and waited while the others went on ahead. i just sorta stood there, watching the others walking off, thinking to myself, "should i go with them?" but i guess i didn't. so it was just the two of us for a minute.

she asked me, "did you go to the eastgate retreat? like in september or something?"

i nodded.

"did you ride bell?" (the horse.)

i nodded.

"i thought so. you should come over to our place and ride her sometime. she needs someone else who knows what they're doing. my mom won't ride her, and my dad doesn't know what he's doing."

i said, "that would be fun," because that's what popped into my head, though i kinda doubt it will ever happen.

melissa and joel came out, and they were like, "aww, did you wait for us?"

yes. we're actually the nicest people in the whole group.

actually probably not.

we got to the beach as it was starting to get dark. there was no pretty sunset because of the clouds, but still it was beautiful. it was all foggy, and the atmosphere was dimly lit, and i guess it's difficult to describe... it was just beautiful. anna rose and rebecca invited me to sit between them on the log, so i did. it wasn't exactly my first choice of places to sit, because i don't really know them. i was sorta more comfortable, though. that night sitting out on the beach by the fire was one of my most comfortable moments with the youth group.

after they got the fire going, and everyone was somewhat settled, they sang. they didn't use the guitar, because tim wasn't sure if it was a good idea to take it to the beach. so they all just sang. on the beach. i somehow find that awesome.

then kellie told us this amazing story. i don't know how old she was. either she didn't say, or i missed it. she said that she had been doubting God. she was sitting in the church, and she wasn't singing because she didn't feel she believed the words. her sister hana leaned over and said to her, "it would be cool if they sang 'all in all.'" that had been her favorite song when she was younger, and i guess they didn't sing it very often at the church. kellie then asked God to have them sing that song, if he was real. then she felt like she couldn't believe in God, because she couldn't believe that he would make them sing that song. she prayed real hard about it. then... they sang all in all.

isn't that just really cool? i really enjoyed that story.

then melissa talked more about christian fellowship. about the riskiness of trust, the fear of trust, and how "perfect love casts out all fear." she handed out this paper for us to read...

then there was some more talking, some spur of the moment singing, some peaceful/awkward silence...

something about the whole night just sorta moved me. so much of what they talked about really had a lot to do with my... well, my problem. it's so much deeper and harder with me than with your average person. i don't know why. but i want so much to overcome it... to grow.

after all that, they made smores. i didn't have any, of course. i was really cold, but enjoyed sitting there by the fire, and was entertained by tim and paul racing to the ocean and back and wrestling in the sand and other such antics. i was really glad when we went back though. i was getting colder and colder.

on the walk back, i kinda walked next to melissa and joel. joel asked me, "how do you like the beach sarah?"

"um... i like it."

"what do you like about it?"

"it's amazing."

"yeah, it is. what makes it amazing to you?"

"it's all big and stuff."

"did you come to the beach often growing up?"

"um... is once every few years often?"

"no," melissa said, "not when you live in oregon."

"what did you say?" joel asked.

"once every few years," melissa answered for me.

"oh, i thought you said once every weekend. i was like, 'i must have heard that wrong.'"

they laughed and joked about that, and i was laughing too.

"you have a nice smile when you smile, sarah," joel said. he paused and then added, "i don't know if it's confidence, or why you're so shy, but we like you, and we like to see you having a good time in environments like this that are hard for you."

well that was nice.

when we got inside, i went down into my room. melissa came to my door and said, "sarah?"

"yeah?"

she opened the door and asked me if wanted her to bring me some food. i nodded. "what is there?" i decided on a muffin and some bread, because i don't like spaghetti, and i didn't wanna force myself to eat something gross again.

i ate as i started writing. now i's 1:38 am. i'm gonna get ready for bed... i am so tired.

...

the rest was written at home...

i ended up getting to sleep some time around 3 am i think. i woke up around 8, and got up around 9. i had a really hard time getting myself to get out of bed. i was so tired, and i was in so much pain. melissa came down and knocked on my door when i was still in bed. i made that sound that one makes when they don't actually want to open their mouth, but want to make some sort of sound to acknowledge that someone said something to them. or something. you know what i mean? maybe not. i don't know.

she probably didn't hear it though. she knocked again, and said, "it's time to wake up."

i got up and started getting ready. she came back down a little bit later and called to me and the girls that were still in the other room, "five more minutes."

it took me a lot longer than five more minutes. i got dressed, ate some granola bars, and waited till the bathroom was free. i didn't get upstairs till almost 10. i'd missed the singing, and got there just as joel started talking on the christian fellowship subject.

everyone was sitting on the floor in a circle. i sat down next to kellie, and listened as joel really pushed us to be a youth group that has strong relationships with one another and stuff. the thoughts it provoked were quickly interrupted by a sudden transition into cleaning up. i was sorta disappointed that there was never any more partner time, beyond that one time. i was really gonna try to talk more the next time.

i went down and packed my stuff all up and took it upstairs. we got our stuff all packed, and got everything all cleaned, and then took some last pictures of all of us before we left. i hate being in group pictures. i'm always the one that doesn't look as happy as everyone else.

i rode home with the same group of people, listening to an interesting conversation the whole way. my favorite part was when melissa said, "if your friends are willing to throw knives at you, then they're probably not your real friends."

"i wanna see that on a shirt," joel said.

that's a pretty good line, especially taken out of context. it's so random and so true.

once we got to the church, i called my dad. he came and picked me up... and i guess that ends my story of the beach trip with the youth group.

i think it was a good thing that i went. i think i made some progress with melissa, i think my comfort level with the whole group raised just a tiny bit, and i think it was sorta motivating and encouraging. sometimes i get discouraged and i kinda give up. i feel that i will be the way i am for the rest of my life, and i live in submission to this thought. other times i feel encouraged that i have hope of changing. i came home from this trip encouraged.

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