it's 77.7 now and i'm cold

Monday, Jun. 01, 2009 | 3:01 AM

with air conditioners, i don't think it's the actual temperature that necessarily makes me feel cold, so much as the sudden drop in temperature. i will feel cold when it's almost 80, if the air conditioner has recently been turned on, or it i walked out of a warmer room and into a much cooler room.

like just now. it was 78.6 in here. i turned on the air conditioner. in just a few minutes it has dropped to 77.9. i'm cold.

anyway... i have nothing of any real meaning to write, i don't think, but i need to do something to keep myself somewhat entertained. i have been pretty depressed lately, and in an attempt to make myself feel less alone, i've been going into chat rooms. right now, though, there isn't anyone in the room's i've been going into.

i don't know why i keep going back to them. i rarely talk... or... chat, or whatever. my social ineptness in "real life" extends to my online interactions as well. and just like in "real life," people pick up on this, and respond by mostly ignoring me. of course if no one says anything to me, then i will not say anything, and this virtual social experience only mirrors the experiences of my non-virtual existence.

so as i use it as an emergency distraction to help me ignore the sadness and pain within me, it only contributes to my depressed feelings in the long run.

but what am i to do? give up on communication with anyone except my parents and david? i'm certainly not going to go out to the park or the store or wherever people are and start talking to them. nor can i afford to pay someone to talk to me.

sure, i can take a class and be around people. but they won't talk to me, or if they do, they won't talk for long because of that social ineptness that i mentioned above.

so i don't know what to do.

today was a very depressing day. david called me today, and as i tried to hold back tears, i didn't say much. he decided that i didn't want to talk, and just said, "bye." he didn't even say i love you. just bye.

i really wanted to talk to him but i just couldn't.

now i suspect that he is up and writing his paper that has to be done tomorrow. (or later today, or whatever.) i can't talk to him now because he is too busy.

i suspect that bryce is up too, but he abandoned me. everyone abandons me.

i don't know what to write anymore, i'm just crying now.

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