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i dare you to move

Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2008 | 7:38 AM

occasionally i backslide and take a bunch of benadryl. right now is one of those times.

i've been sitting here, doing nothing, trying to think of a way to make myself feel better.

david agreed with me when i told him i felt like i had let him down. he also let me know that he didn't feel like talking, that he had talked to me too much over the last five days, and that i was being boring. at least he's honest.

i feel so...blah. i don't feel like listening to music, i don't feel like editing pictures or videos, i don't feel like playing with animals, i don't feel like playing games online, and i don't feel like sleeping. i feel like running away. i feel like escaping myself and my mind.

switchfoot asks in quite possibly their most famous song: "where can you run to escape from yourself? where you gonna go?"

i dare you to move... i should take that song to heart. i really need to start thinking seriously about becoming independent. i need to move...quite literally.

i feel that sinking feeling of helplessness again. i have no choice now but to endure the miserable feelings of guilt, shame, emptiness and general ickiness until the drug wears off. there's nothing i can really do about it.

oh, my mind, it tortures me. why did i do this to myself again??

i need to feel better i need to feel better i need to feel better.

i feel like i am making the same mistake with david that i've made with others in the past. i have got to change!!

.............

ok, now it's a couple hours later. i sent a text message to david saying, "can you tell me that everything is going to be ok?" he then called me and talked to me some more and i feel better now.

i still need to move though.

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