i'm so messed up

Thursday, Jul. 17, 2008 | 2:11 AM

part of me wants to stay up and see if david become available to talk. part of me wants to stay on my going to bed earlier streak, and go to bed now. part of me feels lonely at the thought of going to bed without talking. part of me wonders why i get lonely after just one day of not really talking to anyone.

i guess i got four parts to me.

maybe i'll just write for awhile about what's in my head. i'm not sure what's in my head though. i don't know.

the idea of loneliness scares me. maybe because i know it can bring me so much pain. maybe that's why i get lonely so easily.

i can go one day without talking to anyone and not feel the pain of loneliness. but i am so insecure, that after a day of lacking the social interaction, i begin to fear that i might have to go through again what i went through in the past. i know that i can so easily and suddenly lose people, since it's happened before. i might have to go back to the desolation of isolation.

isolation is an awful, scary, painful place. as unlikely as it might be that i'll have to go back there, i still fear it. maybe it was kind of traumatic when i was there. maybe emotional pain so bad that it makes you want to take your own life leaves a mark, even after it's gone.

maybe i am just crazy.

i feel like i am broken because of my past. i feel like it'll never stop haunting me.

i feel like i need to go to bed.

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