i snuck out at 3 am

Tuesday, Jun. 03, 2008 | 4:49 AM

it was 2:40 am, sunday night and monday morning.

in a moment when desperation overcame fear, when my weak mind let the demons haunt me, and their foolish words clouded my mind, i broke down and made a decision. a rush of adrenaline allowed me to get dressed, put on my shoes, and search through the drawer for my bank card. oddly, i couldn't find it.

"this is God," i told myself, "it's God telling me to not do this." still i pushed this thought aside and kept searching. i took almost everything out the drawer, but found no card. i refused to be defeated so easily, so i decided to write a check, for the first time ever. i had never ordered any checks, since i never used them, but i did have a few that my bank had given me the day that i signed up.

so i googled "how to write a check" so i would know what to do, and then off i went.

i went out the back door. i made sure to keep the gates open so that i could get back in, and slowly made my way along the side of the house, taking care to make as little noise as possible as i walked through tall grass, weeds and stray blackberry vines. once out in the street, i walked quickly away from the house, not wanting to be spotted through the blinds on the front window, in case my dad had awakened for some reason. my pace returned to normal when i decided that i was far enough away from the house.

the neighbor's black cat followed me, wondering where i was going at such an hour. he escorted me a few blocks. when he reached the point that he didn't want to go farther, i turned and whispered into the night, "i'll be back." i then set off alone.

i walked down a main street called 122nd. i felt more exposed on this street, open to having passers-by wonder why a girl like me would be walking alone in the middle of the night. but i knew that i was safer there than on the side streets, so i stuck to that route.

the streets weren't as populated as i had imagined, though. the cars were scarce. i had never seen this busy street so quiet.

i was so scared as i walked, but didn't want to go home until i had finished my goal. i almost felt like i was doing this only to prove something to myself. the fear peaked when a car on the other side of the street slowed, and a man called out, "you need a ride baby?"

"oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh" ran through my head as i ignored him and continued walking.

he called again, "you need a ride?"

i continued to ignore him and prayed that this wouldn't end badly.

he sounded angry the third time, "is that a no?"

much to my relief, he then zoomed off down the street.

i was still shaken when i met another guy, a younger one this time, as i crossed a quiet intersection.

"hey, can you tell me what time it is?" he asked me.

"uh..." i said, as i reached for my cell phone. "it's about three," i continued, as i pulled it out of my pocket. "it's 3:15," i declared while holding my phone up to my face. i then looked up at him.

"ok, thanks a lot," he said before we both turned and walked on.

i was very nervous at this point, but continued to walk toward my destination. i could not believe that i was doing what i was doing. i had never before had the courage to go out at night, and even then it was only when i wanted to walk to the park at the end of the street. now i was walking a whole mile away out of my desperation for relief. depression can cause a human being to do crazy things. some commit suicide, while i get a large dose of foolish courage.

just as my legs became sore, i finally saw my goal as i walked closer: a bright winco sign, belonging to the only store in the area that is open 24 hours.

it seemed surreal as i walked inside. there were boxes and box moving machines everywhere, as employees stocked the shelves. i was the only customer i saw walking through the store. the lady stocking the shelves of my desired aisle gave me a questioning stare.

i ignored the tension i felt, and focused on my goal. i compared prices of the benadryl and other brands of diphenhydramine. i pondered my stupidity as i tried to decide whether to get two boxes or one. it was not an addiction that brought me to this place. it was lack of release. i was lonely and denied companionship. i needed to somehow free my mind from the intense pain that it was feeling.

i knew that i had sworn to no longer take benadryl, and that had lasted for seven weeks, but now in one moment of desperation, i was about to throw that away.

but God was watching over me.

i walked to the lineless register and wrote my first check. i nervously handed it over, only to be told, "we can't take this."

"why?"

"it has nothing up here," she said as he motioned to the top left corner of the check.

i looked through the other checks i had, finding that all of them were blank in that area. i knew nothing about checks, and questioned, "what's supposed to be there?"

"like your name and address and stuff. we can't take this."

i felt a sinking feeling of defeat, as she asked, "do you have a card or cash?"

"no."

she gave me back my lousy check, and i walked away. as soon as i exited the building, i began to cry. i walked home with a feeling of defeat, but also a small glimmer of accomplishment. i did prove to myself whatever it was that i wanted to prove.

i actually did feel better by the time i got home at 4:15. i was less depressed than i had been before leaving... probably from all of the endorphins released by my two mile walk. i'm pretty sure that God was protecting me from myself when i couldn't find my card and couldn't use my check. it did suck to go through all of that trouble for nothing, but i am glad that i was kept from my vice.

at this point, it all just seems like a dream. it is hard to realize that i really did do that.

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