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14

Monday, Mar. 17, 2008 | 8:44 PM

last night after youth group, everyone left, leaving me alone with melissa and joel. they started asking me how i was, and about my week and stuff, so i decided to tell them about the birds. then melissa appologized for not hanging out in a while, and said it was because of her procrastination of her schoolwork and stuff. i tried hard not to, but i began to tear up a bit as she spoke. i don't know why...i'm just...so lonely. i tried to hide it and put my head on down on the side of the couch, like i had done during youth group.

i was asked, "are you tired?"

i nodded.

joel then asked me how many pills i'd been taking. i was relieved yet afraid that he'd brought the subject up. i knew i needed to talk about it, but at the same time it's awkward and shameful and stuff. at first i tried to avoid answering, and said, "it varies."

he probed further, so i decided to give a real answer. i wasn't sure how to answer, but what came out of my mouth was, "the most benadryl i've taken is 14."

i looked up at their faces for a moment, and then back down again, because they did not have good looks on them.

"i'm worried about you sister," joel said.

i don't remember all that he said or how he said what he said, but he asked me if they could put their hands on me and pray. i kept shrugging, so they did. i had my arm resting on the side of the couch, with my face buried in my arm. they put their hands on my shoulder and my arm, and joel prayed. it was kinda comforting, even though i cried harder.

joel said, "you're not alone."

"i am alone," i said, "i am so alone."

that set off conversation that went on for a while, and i said like five hundred stupid things. they were asking me how they could help and stuff, and i realized again that they really care. or i guess... i realized before that melissa does, and this time i realized that joel really does too. but of course i kept saying negative things back to them, like, "people think they care, but they really don't."

i tend to be negative to people who try to help me, and i really have no idea why. i really need to change that. but i guess i was sorta trying to figure out how much i could trust them or something. i don't know. i believe that they care, which was made kinda obvious last night, but i do still have a hard time convincing myself of this.

and i guess trying to go into friendship now after things that have happened, i kinda need to be able to ask stupid questions like, "if i talk about random things, will you get bored." i really like the honesty of their answers, instead of saying "no" they say, "don't you get bored sometimes when we talk about random things?"

they also asked me if there was a way that they could help me sleep more normal hours. melissa said, "how about we wake you up and hold your eyes open all day?"

"ok."

"i didn't think you'd go for that," she said.

"i don't have the availability to do that," joel said, and melissa added, "neither to do i... unless you do everything that i would need to do with my hands, like do dishes... and put on my makeup."

it was funny, especially the makeup part, and we laughed.

i also finally got an answer to a question that i've had for some time now. "am i not supposed to lean on people?" i asked.

they unanimously answered, "yes, you are supposed to lean on people."

during this conversation, joel said, "i love you," and "we love you." he's not afraid to use the "L" word. those are good words to hear, and i do believe him.

so this was all actually good for me, and i was actually encouraged, even though i did get snot on their couch.

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