Entries:
Most Recent
Previous
Next
All

Last Five:
- moving
- this is how i feel
- stoats in winter coats
- receptionists are uncaring and the government is evil
- withdrawal

Other Stuff:
Profile
Notes
Email
Host

save the internet!


i beLIEved him

Thursday, Mar. 06, 2008 | 5:58 AM

my boredom tonight led me to the "steve" folder on my computer. i watched some videos, looked at some pictures, and read some things. you can probably guess that i'm pretty sad now.

here is something that he wrote for me, when i was questioning him actually moving to portland like he said he would:


Random Information That Has Nothing To Do With Anything:

As I grew up, for a while I had this belief that I was the only being that possessed a soul. Thoughts would go through my mind that questioned the existence of others that I interacted with. It had to be the most self-centered thought that anyone could ever proclaim. I had this impression that maybe people were put here around me, since I was the only one who could think. I only had evidence of my ability to think, and it always seemed to me that nobody else could really think at all. In time, I grew well aware of my false assumptions, and I grew to accept this reality. I had to find a new outlook in life, now that I knew it wasn�t just about me. This really has nothing to do with the rest of the story. I have no clue why it is even here.

I Won�t Change My Mind:

I believe that everything happens for a reason, whether the reason is apparent or inexplicable. Some signs have jumped out at me over time� maybe they really are choices that we make though we are not aware of it. Like the example you used, being that you did not block me before we knew of each other as you would others. I still like to believe that maybe it was a sign. Everything has its way of branching from that in my mind. Maybe I�m alone in seeing all of this, but I like the thought that we talked to each other for reasons other than that we were both just two bored people with nothing better to do� and even if that may have been what it was from the start� it gives me a warm feeling inside to think that it has grown into a somewhat beautiful relationship.

Over the passing of time, I�ve been exposed to the realization that I�m not really wanted where I am now. I used to get so upset that I was never satisfied with the people here, and the people here were never satisfied with me. Everyone has someone meant for them and a place that welcomes them. I guess for the longest time I never realized that this place and this person might be outside and further away than these city walls. Maybe the idea is just one of those crazy things that I tend to make up. I do not really know, but whatever it is, it is a very warm thought. I can only hope that you feel the warmness from it, as well.

I have never felt this healthy before. I know that may seem irrational due to all the illnesses I seem to have caught for about a month now. I think I feel healthy because I am somewhat happy inside, which is something I have not been for a very long time, it is safe to say. I do not go to bed wishing I would not wake up anymore� now I go to bed wishing time would pass sooner so I could talk to you as soon as possible. I think about it all, and I convince myself in so many ways that it is what I want. Being this far away, I have had a taste of everything. I have had a taste of true friendship; I have had a taste of wanting someone; I have had a taste of being wanted; I have had a taste of feeling missed; I have had a taste of missing someone; and many, many other things that are hard to put into words. A taste is a treat, but I want more. I need more.

You Won�t Scare Me Away:

I would hate to think that after all of this has passed, you would be trying to scare me away. Under those circumstances, I could see myself backing away. However, I do not exactly think that we are in that sort of situation, nor do I even think we ever would be. With that being said, I can affirm that only those certain situations could possibly make me turn around, drop it all, and run. That was redundant. Anyway, you will not scare me away. I really wish there was some way I could show you from where I sit right now other than just declaring it. Words may be stronger than actions sometimes, but there are always the cases that it fails to hold true. This may be one of those cases. However, I will do my best to surpass the barrier that text may have suppressing it by holding my statement high and strong. You will not scare me away. Not after all this�

Really, if anything, I would have thought that I would be the one scaring you away, as I have most everybody else who has came in contact with me one way or another. Well, not everyone, but you get my drift. I think that you had even more reason to be scared off than anyone else, actually. Out of the blue some guy just starts talking to you, saying he has read some of your diary, which sounds pretty creepy alone, and he likes what he sees. That alone could be reason enough to be scared away due to being uncomfortable with someone talking to you about your diary posts. And then we dig a little bit deeper� the same guy comes back some time later, always complaining about how bad his life is and how telling his sob stories, when all he really wanted was to find a way to talk to someone since he had nobody. Again, with all the complaining and negativity that was behind this guy, most people would just left this guy alone due to them getting sick of his whininess. Well, �this guy� we are talking about was me a long time ago. You did not get scared away then, so that imprinted in my mind that you would not get scared away now. In retrospect, I feel the fascination growing deeper and into unimaginable levels. My expressiveness does not scare you away now, you say, so why would yours scare me away? I look for a hand to touch� I would never slap yours away.

I know it all may be hard to imagine being true, but you should give yourself more credit than you do now. You deserve to have what you want. If I want it and you also want it� then there is no way that I could say no; and I am not one to let small limitations keep me from what I am wanting if I believe that it will be worth the time and pain to put forth the effort. And believe me, I wholeheartedly believe, without a doubt, that it will definitely be worth it, and the fact that you also want me to and you are not giving up gives me the drive to work for it and will give me the drive to continue until I achieve it. I will push it to the limit and beyond. I always will.

~Steve


:(

...................... .......................................... ............................................. .......................... ....................... .......................... ................................................... ................................ .................. ...................... .......................................... ............................................. .......................... ....................... .......................... ................................................... ................................ .................. ...................... .......................................... ............................................. .......................... ....................... .......................... ................................................... ................................ ..................

<< / >>