and i surrender, all to you...

Sunday, Dec. 23, 2007 | 6:03 AM

oh, i am dying. i mean it this time guys. oh, i am breaking inside. i am breaking, i am breaking, i am broken... oh, it hurts, it hurts so bad. i haven't felt this deeply in a long time. i haven't felt these feelings in so long. these aren't the feelings i've been complaining on about for the last three or four years. no, they really aren't. i mean it. no, these feelings are so different. oh, it takes me back. this feeling takes me back in time. to so many places. to so many times, so many memories. oh, i am breaking. my heart is tearing apart. i am crying, i crying so hard, so quietly as i type this. i can't express... this isn't like the things i've been feeling lately, or over the past couple years.

no, it's like i'm 16 again. it's back in that terrible, horrible place called 16. that whole time in my life, when i picture it, i see darkness. dark shadows, pain, me alone in my room in the darkness. alone at my desk, crying, so hurt, so broken, so lost, so confused, so scared, searching searching searching for something. oh guys, i am back in that place right now. believe me when i say this. type this. whatever.

i want to say how i feel, i want to say it so bad... but there are not words. it's not depression, no...it's worse. it's so worse. it's not loneliness. it's death. it's death in my soul. it hurts, it hurts so bad. i feel like i'm not taken seriously when i talk like this. oh, but i am so serious when i say it.

i have no one to talk to, no one to turn to. i know, i've said it so many times. but now, oh now, it's so true. oh, it hurts, it hurts so bad.

i went looking again, for the first time in so long, for christian chat rooms. i could not stand the loneliness tonight. i have been so lonely. so alone. i couldn't do it again tonight. i went looking, searching... like i was doing when i was 16. i found nothing. chat rooms suck, they suck so bad. they are just fake people. they don't even talk to me if i don't say anything.

i thought about calling one of those hotlines, but i can't bring myself to do it.

i then went to talk to that robot, at jabberwacky.com, as a last restort. at least it was interaction. but it didn't help. it doesn't help.

oh, i need help. i need help, i need it so bad. please, someone, please help me. someone, anyone... someone help me. oh God, i can't stand it. i am in the most horrible place. i am in the most painful place. no one could ever understand... no one could ever imagine.

it's pain, pure pain. i am shaking.

i think of the people in my life. i can't email melissa anymore about depressing stuff. i have said too much. i can't even hang out with her and joel... they are off doing a bunch of family things for christmas and stuff. and there's no youth group this week. i can't email tim anymore either. i have said too much there too. tara's in mexico. bryce is going home...and he hasn't been on in almost a month now.

none of those people can help me now. i need something now. something to save me from myself. i need someone now, someone tonight. i need something tonight to save me. i am so far gone now. i am so far gone. i am back in that spot, that horrible place.

the nightmare, the horrible nightmare of yesterday. it isn't yesterday anymore. it is now. it is my reality. it is my prison. it is my hell. oh, i am so alone, so alone, so alone... i am alone in this world. this corrupted world. satan's playground. i am just another plaything in satan's playground.

i am dying, oh, inside i am dying. i am past the point of wanting to die. i am past the point of suicidal. i'm already there. i'm already gone. anything i do to myself is just physical. it's just physical things, physical pain, physical loss. oh! i wish i could trade this for physical pain!

i can cloud my mind, numb my mind... but pills don't touch the soul. oh where is my cure?

i miss steve. i wish i hadn't ruined things with him. i regret it so much. i miss him so bad.

oh how many times have i let people hurt me. but what do i do? never trust again? what am i supposed to think when people tell me they care about me? what am i supposed to believe when they make me promises?

and why does no one keep them.

oh, there's so much i don't understand. there are so many minds that i wish i could jump into. there are so many things that i want to say but can't. so many confessions i long to make. there is such a broken heart here, one i've tried to express yet tried to hide.

with every letter i type that appears on the screen, i feel myself dripping away. i want to surrender. i want to surrender to myself. oh...but i can't.

hold me Jesus, i'm shaking like a leaf. take me away from this place. i am sorry. i surrender to you...not anything else.

oh i am dying.

...................... .......................................... ............................................. .......................... ....................... .......................... ................................................... ................................ .................. ...................... .......................................... ............................................. .......................... ....................... .......................... ................................................... ................................ .................. ...................... .......................................... ............................................. .......................... ....................... .......................... ................................................... ................................ ..................