my puppy is in the hospital

Tuesday, Nov. 27, 2007 | 6:11 AM

i know at this point that i'm not gonna sleep... so i'm gonna write. if i can keep my eyes open, anyway.

i'll start with sunday. i had youth group. it was kinda depressing, because no one really talked to me. you'd think melissa would have... but no. she talked less to me than she has in several weeks.

then i got home to an email from bryce. he wasn't gonna be on that night. not only was i feeling bad because youth group sucked, but it was the night before going to the doctor, where i was gonna actually talk to the doctor by myself for the first time ever. i was SO nervous. i so wanted to talk to him before then. but i couldn't, and i hadn't talked to him all week, either.

so instead of crying all night, i took a bunch of pills and went to bed... at 11. i kept waking up and not being able to get back to sleep. it just didn't feel right to be sleeping at like, 2 am. so i kept taking more and more pills.

i woke up around 11:30 am on monday, to the sound of bubble whining. i really didn't want to take her outside in the 30 some degree cold. i really didn't wanna wake up too much, because i wasn't ready yet. so i did the lazy thing. i just let her out of her little kennel thing, figuring she could just pee on my floor if she wanted to.

i then woke up around 3, and found that my heater wasn't working. after closer inspection, i found the cord had been all chewed. also found that the right side of bubble's mouth was swollen, and it appeared that she had drooled all over herself. she had been electrocuted. she seemed otherwise ok. she was jumping and dancing and bouncing about, just like her usual self. so for some reason, i wasn't extremely alarmed.

i didn't like the idea of leaving her alone, though, but i had no choice. i left for the doctor around 4:45.

i hated talking to the doctor. she wasn't easy to talk to, and she tried to make a joke out of selective mutism. if there's one thing you should not do in my presence... it's make jokes about conditions that affect me in such a painful way.

i asked for the desyrel, but i didn't get it. i talked of sleeping problems, and depression, and anxiety. i wanted to emphasize all three, so that i could get the desyrel. she instead took more interest in the depression and anxiety, and prescribed me something that will work better for those things... something called celexa. i was a little disappointed. she said it doesn't make you as sleepy as desyrel. that it might or might not help me sleep. if after about three weeks or so, it isn't helping, then i can get the desyrel added on.

so i guess we'll just see what happens. i haven't taken it yet.

between going to the doctor, and going to pick up the prescription, we were gone about two hours. when we got home, i checked on bubble. she looked drastically worse. the whole side of her face was swollen up, and she wasn't acting her usual self at all. she looked rather miserable.

there was discussion for a couple of minutes, about whether we wanted to take her to the vet or not. we really need money for this trip we're taking to the switchfoot concert on my birthday. but when weighing the two things, my dog was just more important.

so off we went to the emergency hospital. we went up to the counter and told them that she'd gotten electrocuted, and they took her back right away. we then waited for what seemed like forever. i watched as a crying lady brought a dog in. she'd seen one dog get hit by a car and die, while this dog, its friend, was licking it. she brought this dog in, not knowing what to do with it. i wanted to give the poor dog a hug.

after finally calling us back, they took us to a room where we waited some more. my mom and i were really worried. (my dad dropped us off, he went home while we waited.)

eventually the doctor came in. i guess what she told us then was sort of a worst case scenario. she told us how badly burned she was, and talked about how a bunch of skin in her mouth was dying, and she would need surgery, possibly multiple surgeries, to remove it. she did say, however, that she didn't seem to have fluid in her lungs, which is something that commonly happens when they get electrocuted like that.

as she talked, my mom began to cry, and i soon followed her. it was just a lot to hear i guess. we were worried about poor bubble, and unfortunately, worried also about money. she told is might cost over a thousand dollars. i also was extremely bothered by the idea that her face might be disfigured from taking away part of her cheek and her lip.

we asked to see her, so they brought her in and left her with us for a few minutes. she so wasn't herself. she was stiff. she just laid against me as i held her and petted her. she didn't have that happy look on her face that she always has. i had never seen her look so sad. i hated seeing her like that.

then they took her away, and put her on some crazy pain medication... a hundred times stronger than morphine. after some more waiting, the doctor came back in, and gave us an update. she told us that she got a better look, after sedating her with the drugs. she said she was able to scrape away some of the dead skin, and it looked like she possibly might not need surgery...and she might get to keep all of her tongue.

we could have taken her home, but she suggested we leave her there overnight. she said that pet owners often can't tell if their pet isn't doing well, or they're just sedated by the medication. that's one thing i was worried about, along with several other things. i really wanted her to be with people who would be up with her all night, and knew how to care for her better than i, even thought i hated leaving without her.

before leaving, they let us see her again. they took us to a table, where she was wrapped in a towel with her little head sticking out. she seemed very out of it. i hope she understood that the people were trying to help her. i hope she understood why i turned and walked away, leaving her there with them. but...she probably didn't understand a thing or even care, because she was so out of it.

so now we're going back at 8 am... which is fast approaching. after monitoring her all night, they'll be able to give us a better idea of if she'll need surgery or not, and if it would be a good idea or not to take her home yet.

so i am just exhausted. i think i am still feeling the effect of all of those pills...they seem to stay with me for a long time. i also experienced a very stressful day, which is draining and tiring. on top of that, i'm all depressed, which also is draining and tiring. not to mention... it is 6 am.

i also haven't showered now since saturday night. i didn't sunday night, because i just wanted to sleep. i didn't last night, because of just everything. so now i'm gross and i'm tired and i'm going to the vet in two hours and i'm gonna miss another day of school.

and i feel like no one cares about me anymore.

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