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another breakdown thing

Thursday, Nov. 22, 2007 | 5:52 AM

so i was kinda random in talking about the pills. i did post an entry where i said i was starting to take them again, but i deleted it. so...i've started to take them again, which is probably just about the stupidest thing i've done in my entire life. it sorta started out somewhat innocently, with the codeine. i've been more depressed lately than i've been in a couple of years, so i feel like i need an escape... a quick escape that i can control and bring on whenever i need to. to be blunt, it seems like that escape is either death, or the self-injurous activities that i'd engaged in when i was 16, or pills. i went with pills.

so i'm sorry guys. i know it seems like i'll never get better. at least, it seems like that to me, so there's a chance it seems like that to you. but hopefully you don't think that's true...that would be discouraging.

sigh.

anyway...

there isn't much to write about youth group on sunday, but there is much to write about what happened after it. i basically got there and made the powerpoint. but then the powerpoint wasn't used, because there were so few people that they all just stood up on the stage as they sang. then, because there were so few, joel didn't talk about what he was going to talk about. instead they sat down on the stage and talked about their lives and random things and stuff.

i just sat down alone and began to cry because i was so extremely sad and depressed. it wasn't noticed at first. it wasn't noticed until after melissa came over to me and said, "we're leaving now, do you want a ride?"

i had my head down on my hands, such that my face, and evidence of crying, couldn't be seen. "is everyone else leaving?" i asked.

"i don't see anyone else getting ready to leave, i think it's just us."

"then i'll call my dad."

"you want to stay?"

"yeah."

i don't remember how it all worked out, but somehow she ended up coming back and saying, "everyone is leaving now. do you want a ride?"

i really didn't want to go home while crying. i just sat there and didn't respond. i think she was confused, and finally said, "i'm walking away now, you can come if you want to." i waited a few moments, then turned and looked back. i saw her walking away, half way across the other room. i began to cry a little harder.

everyone was across the church, by the door, and i heard them calling me. i ignored them. i really, really didn't want to go home. melissa came back and tried again to get me to come. she got a phone call just then, and i began crying even harder and more obviously while she talked.

when she got off the phone, i said, "i can't go home looking like this."

"looking like you're crying?"

"yeah."

"how come?"

"my parents will ask what's wrong."

"why don't you want them to ask that?"

"i don't want to talk to them about it."

"we won't make you go home, just come with us."

i didn't want to get up. i didn't want to expose my snot covered face. i didn't want to put the burden of myself on melissa and joel. but i didn't want to go home.

i continued to just sit there as she continued to coax me to come.

"i don't want to be a burden," i said.

"you're not, i care about you and i don't want to leave you sitting alone in a dark church, just come with us, ok?"

after several minutes, i finally got up. i first tried to wipe off my face with my sleeves, but i just ended up smearing snot all over my face. it was gross.

i tried not to look at her as we walked out to the car, where joel had been waiting. i felt so stupid. after getting in, i started crying harder. melissa said to joel, "sarah doesn't want to go home."

"oh. why?"

"she doesn't want to walk in the door crying, and have to tell her parents what's wrong."

"oh. so what are we doing?"

"we're taking her with us."

he asked me, "where do you want to go sarah?"

"nowhere."

"what?"

"i don't want to go anywhere."

"why don't you want to talk to your parents, are you afraid?"

"no i just don't want to."

i felt so stupid.

the rest of the ride was quiet, until we parked outside their apartment building.

"do you want to stay here, or go inside?"

i didn't respond. i just kept crying. after a few minutes, one of them (i don't remember which) said, "let's go inside for a while."

they got out of the car and opened my door. again, i didn't want to get up. i didn't want to be seen as i was. i just sat there. i looked up for a second, they were standing there looking at me. i quickly lowered my head back down and covered by face. i felt so stupid.

melissa told joel to go ahead and go, as she stood there, waiting.

i got out and followed her down to their apartment. i walked in and collapsed onto the couch, burying my face in the corner. i felt so stupid. "i didn't want to do this," i said, "i'm sorry."

melissa replied, "it's ok sarah."

i sat there on their couch and just cried. i cried really, really hard... like i do here alone in my room so often.

joel asked me, "what's causing you so much pain sarah?"

after a long pause, i replied, "anything i say will sound really lame."

they couldn't hear me, and i had to repeat a few times. i'm not sure if they ever did actually hear me, or just give up, because there was no response.

not much conversation ever occurred, and at first i didn't say very much, except for "i'm sorry," and "i'm stupid."

at one point, melissa said, "you're not stupid."

"yes i am."

"well we don't think you're stupid."

at another point she said, "sarah, stop apologizing, it's ok."

joel also said at some point, "i don't know what to do."

i replied, "neither do i."

other than things like that, i just cried and cried for a long time while no words were spoken. melissa put her hand on my shoulder and back while i cried. that somehow brought a lot of comfort.

i cried until i wore myself out, and then i just quietly laid there against the corner of the couch, sniffling. i felt so stupid. there was a long, long awkward silence. i wondered what they were thinking.

i know that melissa is, as she says, a little allergic to dogs. now my dog was running around all over their couch and their apartment where dogs aren't allowed. i heard her start to sniffle and stuff. i asked, "is bubble bothering you?"

i guess i wasn't heard right, because joel answered, "you're not bothering us, but honestly, i'm having a hard time staying awake."

"i'm sorry."

i don't remember how he got to it, but he asked me, "do you feel like you can go home?"

"i don't know."

i burst out crying again. i felt so bad. i felt like i was annoying them, especially joel.

my crying was a lot more verbal this time. i can't write it all out. it was somewhat random, incoherent eruptions of emotion. "i can't do it," was repeated a lot, along with, "i don't want to take the pills," and several other things.

sometime during this, i think bubble peed on the floor. i heard joel say, "oh no." i then heard melissa say, "oh." then i heard cleaning noises. i didn't look up, i ignored it. joel then went outside for a while.

melissa put her hand on my shoulder again as i cried again. she mostly just listened, but she did speak up a few times.

at some point she asked, "did you say you don't want to take the pills?"

"yeah."

"are you taking too many pills?"

"no, not enough."

when i said, "i want to die," she said, "don't say that sarah."

when i said, "i don't know what to do," she said, "i know sarah, it's ok."

at one point i said, "i wanna be free."

"from what?"

"life."

there were other exchanges of words, but they're too jumbled up in my head for me to write them.

melissa ended up saying, "i really care about you, but i feel like there's nothing i can say that you don't already know. i really do want to help you, but i don't know how."

"i'm sorry."

"no, i'm sorry."

after coming back inside, joel asked, "do you need to take care of your pets?"

"um, i don't know. why?"

i don't think i was heard, because i got no response. so i said, louder, "i always have to take care of my pets."

"that's what a figured," he said.

"you want me to go home."

"well, i was thinking maybe you could stay here for just one night."

"i couldn't explain that to my parents."

"so you have to go home?"

"yeah, i have to go home. but i don't want to."

"i know," melissa said.

after some time, she also said, "i'm sorry sarah, but if you have to go home, it should be soon."

i continued to just lay there against the corner, still hiding my face. i hadn't uncovered my face the entire time. joel was sitting in front of me at that moment, so i didn't want to lift my head to try to start wiping off my face and making it look like i hadn't been crying for the last two hours. finally, he just went to bed, leaving melissa still sitting with me.

i then tried to stop crying, and after wiping what i could with my tear and snot soaked sleeves, along with some toilet paper that was given me, i finally sat up.

it was 12 am at this point, and i was starving. "i haven't eaten all day," i said.

she asked, "are you hungry?"

"yeah."

"do you want something to eat?"

"i don't know."

after a pause, she said, "i'm trying to think of what i could offer you. i don't think there's anything in our fridge that isn't old, or gross. how do you feel about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?"

"they're ok."

after another pause, she asked, "do you ever eat fast food?"

"yeah."

"do you want to stop somewhere on the way home?"

"i don't know."

i really was starving, and i was kinda hoping that eating something there would give me a chance to get myself looking more normal. it would shift my attention and make it easier to stop crying, and give me something to do other than cry, so the whole "i've just cried insanely for two hours" look would fade away.

"if you're up for it, i am. other than that, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is all i can think of."

"that would be fine."

"you want me to make you one?"

"yeah."

she went into the kitchen, and then asked me, "want some some water? we have straws now." that was in reference to the last time i was over there. i actually ate, so i had some water, and i wanted a straw because cold water hurts my teeth. they hadn't had any though.

i couldn't help but smile i that. "sure," i said.

so i ate the sandwich, and it was the forth time i'd eaten in her presence. i'm getting good at it. she made some small conversation while i ate, about yogurt (which she was eating) and thanksgiving and stuff. when i was done, she asked, "are you ready to go?"

"yeah."

so she drove me home, and continued to carry on the normal type of conversation that she usually tries to carry on. that whole thing just happened, and she was just talking about superficial things. i don't know. if situations were switched, i'd have a hard time jumping back into such conversation, as if nothing had just happened.

when we got to my house, i again said, "i'm really sorry."

"you don't have to say sorry... but you can say thank you."

oh, those are hard words for me to speak. i don't know why. i knew that i should though. she did take me to her place instead of making me go home, listen to me for two hours, lose sleep, and drive me home at 12:30 am.

"thank you," i said.

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