it's God

Wednesday, Oct. 31, 2007 | 3:22 AM

i have somehow survived another day. it was hard. it was SO hard to get myself out of bed today. i got up and prayed for the energy and strength to get me through this day, which for some reason i had never thought of doing before.

i had so little energy that i was shaking as i was cleaning the ferret cage today. i had to somehow drag myself to school and stay awake while in class. i've been trying to do homework, but it's so hard to focus because i feel so dizzy and sick. how long can i keep on like this? something's gonna break. something's gonna cave in.

i talk of being depressed and killing myself off, yet for some reason i keep going. something keeps me not only alive, but continuing to push foward in all of this stuff that i do... even though i don't like the direction that it's heading. i've stated countless times, "i give up," but never do. something doesn't let me.

so bear with me as i keep making these negative entries. deep inside, i do know that my struggle doesn't end in my defeat. but i will document my struggle along the way, and all of the emotions that come along with it.

is it weird that i know, yet feel and think contradicting things?

i don't know. in the meantime, i really do feel stressed and depressed and tired and energyless and sick and worn down... and i have no idea how i am going to get through the days that lie ahead of me.

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