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youth group on the pill

Friday, Sept. 14, 2007 | 8:05 PM

i think this pill i'm taking is also working in another way. another usage of it is to treat anxiety. like, you know... social anxiety. i was kinda hoping it wouldn't effect me in that area, because i had this idea that it would change me. i thought i'd feel like a different person. i thought i would be less cautious and say stupid things that i would later regret. but after actually experiencing the effect... maybe it's not so bad.

at youth group, i think i talked to melissa more than i ever have before in one conversation. i also have been more responsive when people ask me about bubble in the store, and more social with the little girl that lives next door. from what i could tell, it felt like was a little more myself, too. i felt like i was a little more expressive, rather than having the usual blank look on my face while staring at the ground.

i still had trouble making eye contact, and still didn't talk unless asked a question. i was still cautious, but less... inhibited. i was still shy, but the fear subsided a bit. and i didn't feel like i was a different person or anything.

so, here's my story of youth group on sunday...

i got there at the same time as jordan. we walked in on melissa, her brother mark, joel and paul. i went and sat on the steps, and was alone for a moment as the others walked away. as joel and jordan walked back, i set bubble down on the step next to me. she became extremely excited as they approached. she was wiggling and bouncing around on the step so fast.

"how's bubble?" jordan asked.

"ok."

he petted her, and then walked away. then joel petted her and began talking to her in that baby voice that people usually use when talking to small, cute fuzzy things. it's kinda funny to hear someone like joel talking that way.

everyone went into the other room, so i went and sat down in there. i watched as people showed up, and paul and joel threw a ball around. as i sat there, dave and abbi came by to pet bubble. she loved all of the attention.

they played a game at the park that they called "ultimate sponge." basically they ran around and threw wet sponges at each other. as i sat and watched, i tried to keep bubble entertained. of course i didn't have a leash, so i had to keep her nearby me. she got very excited when they began running around, and wanted to go join them. i considered letter her go. i thought it might have been funny to have a small dog run in on their game. i didn't, though.

after the game, we all went back to the church, and the singing began. then jordan got up and talked as usual. the chair next to me was empty, so i put bubble on it so she could sleep comfortably. abbi sat on the other side of bubble's chair, and petted her a lot while listening to jordan.

after he was done talking, the people dispersed, and eventually left me sitting alone. then melissa came out and talked to me, and it went something along the lines of this...

she asked, "have you been well?"

"ok."

"how's the issue with the sleeping pills going?"

"i uh... stopped that, because it got scary."

there was a pause and then i continued, "now i'm on a prescription sleeping pill..."

"were you taking over the counter sleeping pills, and they stopped working, so you took more so they would work?"

"kinda."

"or did you take more because you wanted to."

"um... both."

she looked a little concerned. "are you keeping the prescription under control?"

"yeah, i can't really take more, because it would become obvious, because there's a limited supply."

somehow i also threw in, "it also happens to be an antidepressant."

"how's that going?"

"i think it's working."

in some way that i can't remember, she provoked me to elaborate.

"at times when i would normally get really depressed, i just get kinda sad. i'm not sure how much i like it, because i can't even cry. i feel like i'm numbed."

then she told me about her... um... oh gosh. her grandfather? i think that was it. she told me how he took antidepressants, and then when he stopped, he said that he felt emotions that he hadn't felt in a long time. and when they were watching a movie, at a sad part, he began bawling.

then she asked something like, "is it working as a sleeping pill?"

"yeah."

"so are you sleeping longer, or shorter, or..."

"well, kinda shorter. it used to take me a long time to get to sleep, and then i'd wake up, and i'd have a hard time getting back to sleep, so i would stay in bed for a long time, trying to sleep. now i fall asleep pretty quick, and when i wake up, i fall back asleep pretty quick."

she stopped asking me questions for a while and just told me things, so i didn't say more for a while. then she asked me, "have you been baptized?"

"no."

"is that something you would be interested in?"

"yeah, i really want to."

"i think i heard jordan talking about baptizing someone soon, and baptizing anyone who wants to be baptized, would you be interested in that?"

"well, i've emailed jordan about it a little bit... i don't really want to do it in front of a large group, i'd rather a smaller group."

"hmm... that's interesting, i should talk to jordan about that."

she started telling me about a worship music computer program that she's gonna get from school. it would normally be some hundred dollars, but she's getting it for free. she's excited. then she talked about the youth worship band thing they're creating for youth group, and asked if i wanted to help with making the powerpoints, and doing the computer stuff in the back to get the words on the screen and stuff. i said, "maybe." she said i could email her.

all in all, i think that was a pretty good conversation for me, don't you think? i don't usually elaborate like that. usually it's one or two word answers, or "i don't know," if there's even a verbal answer at all.

joel and mark came out and joined us, and i found myself in the middle of their conversation. i think the funniest part was when melissa told me about something funny that one of jordan's boys had said. her and joel were over at their house, and anna was there for some reason, just about to move out for college. she had a big bag with her, and one of the boys (i don't remember which one) asked something like, "are you gonna put all your underwear in there?"

she said, "yeah, i'm gonna put my clothes in it."

then he asked, "are you gonna put your 'booby-baskets' in there?"

i thought that was a pretty funny term that he used. that would have been hilarious to hear coming out of a little boy's mouth.

they pretty much just talked like this until everyone left. i got a ride home from melissa and joel again. as we were leaving, i kept feeling like i was forgetting something. it kept bothering me until we were just about to pull out into the street. i realized that i'd left my camera in the church. i had to make a sudden decision. i had to either speak up, which i didn't want to do, or face my parents when i got home, which i also didn't want to do. they would have freaked out.

so i said, "i think i left my camera."

"you left your camera in the church?"

"yeah."

joel backed up, back into the parking lot, and melissa called jordan to came back and unlock the door. i felt like an idiot.

after retrieving my camera, they took me home.

i did end up emailing melissa, and there will be more on that later...

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