me

Saturday, Sept. 01, 2007 | 3:04 AM

i feel like i have changed. i guess that's what i've been trying to do, over the past several years. i keep trying to change. i'm not changing in the way that i want to, though.

everything i do effects me, and nothing i do can be undone. every day i am creating who i am. i'm not the same as i was two years ago. i'm not the same as i was two months ago. i'm not the same as i was yesterday. it's like a painting with many layers. the more layers i add on top, the more the layers underneath fade. i want to chip away the paint. i want the old layers back. too bad there's no photoshop for life.

i used to not want to grow up. now i am trying to. i am so busy, yet i do nothing. my life is full, but i feel empty. i don't want to lose what i had in my youth. unfortunately my youth is stained. some of my best thoughts, best writing, best art, best of any sort of expression that came from within me... was created when i was completely depressed.

one thing that makes me different, is what i turn to in times of depression. i used to have few options. i turned to my imagination, i turned to nature, and i turned to God. i focused on the little things that others ignore. i delighted in those little things, because those little things were all i had. i went deep inside myself and used my mind as an escape to another world. my little world.

i hated having nothing, yet i was better off, because then i had something... those little things. i hated being isolated and drawing deeper inside myself, but i was better off, because reality will never be as good as imagined things.

now i keep trying to turn to people. to other beings that i cannot control. they're unreliable, undependable, unpredictable and uninspirational. they aren't like me. they don't know how to talk to me, and i don't know how to talk to them. it's like we're different species.

i am different. i am the most thoughtful person i know, the most honest person i know, the most loyal person i know, and the quietest person i know. i used to look at the world with the awe of a child, the insight of an old person who's seen too much, the caution of a timid little mouse, and the curiosity of a kitten. i always said i hated me, but i always liked me, too. the only thing i really didn't like was that i couldn't make friends. if i could make friends just the way i am, without changing, then i wouldn't change a thing.

lately i have sunk even lower in what i have been turning to. i've been trying to turn to chemicals. this time, not to free my mind, but to free myself from my mind. but it's only left me feeling shameful and guilty.

maybe i need to go back to where i started. start the path again from where i began, and see if i can do it better this time. maybe i need to take a break from youth group and from the internet and everything. isolate myself again. rely on myself again. find myself again.

i don't know. it's getting late... i'm gonna go take a pill and make myself pass out now.

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