my... experiments

Thursday, Aug. 23, 2007 | 5:46 PM

i've been kinda hesitant about it, but i guess i'll go ahead and admit this. it's pretty bad for me... i really am so anti-drug. i even have this "drugs destroy life, Jesus gives it" sticker on my laptop. i still believe that. hopefully you folks don't look down on me too much, though considering the last two or so weeks, i don't blame you if you do. and if you're someone who i actually know in person (though i doubt it)... please don't tell on me.

last wednesday, i decided to try something. i'd gotten the idea in my head when i was thinking crazy thoughts, and then the curiosity just grew. i tried to reason it out in my mind, that in other countries, it would be legal. bryce did say he'd rather me do this than the pills. (though for the record, and in his defense, he did suggest i do neither.)

as shameful as it is, i figured i should keep a record of it.

so here goes...

wednesdays experiment:

i got up just after my mom left for work, to give myself the maximum amount of alone time. i'd read that eating first and drinking lots of water helps with the getting sick part, so i ate first. i decided on a bagel. i rushed through it, because i wanted to get things started as soon as possible. i had no idea how long it would affect me... if it would be obvious to my dad by the time he got home. i was hoping it would wear off before he got home, but i really had no idea. i wasn't hungry, so the bagel sucked. i just stuffed the thing in.

when i was done, i got out the bottle. from what i gathered, you're supposed to mix it with something. it was coffee flavored. i had no idea what one would mix coffee flavored stuff with, when they don't like coffee. i just poured a little into the bottom of a glass. i was afraid to do too much. it was 35% alcohol. i had no idea how much was too much, or even too little.

i didn't know my hesitation would be so long. i stared at it. i smelled it. it didn't smell very good. i stuck my finger in and tasted it. gross! that increased my hesitation. i poured it out into a measuring cup. it was about an ounce, i think. the smallest measurement on the cup was two onces.

finally i stood at the sink, and downed some, about half of it. it was NASTY! i ran to the fridge and grabbed the first chocolately thing i saw... some chocolate frosting. i ate a few spoonfuls of that, and then drank some water. i was feeling sick already, just from the taste.

after a few minutes, i relaxed, and stopped feeling sick. i began to wonder how long it would take to affect me, and if that small amount even would. so of course i went to the trusty (note the sarcasm) people at yahoo answers. some said about ten minutes, some said about a half hour, but pretty much all said that what i'd taken wasn't enough. i decided to wait a half hour before drinking more, though.

when i walked back out to the kitchen, i realized that it smelled heavily of it. wonderful.

about a half hour later, feeling unaffected, i went back for more. i got the rest of it in me. again it was terrible. it burned my throat. maybe that's a reason for mixing it with something? i decided that i was done after that, and if it didn't affect me, i'd just try again the next day. i didn't want it to start kicking just like an hour or something before my dad would get home.

after finishing off the frosting, removing/washing all evidence, and spraying the kitchen with fabreze stuff, i went back into my room so that i could later walk out and see how it smelled.

now it's been almost a half hour since the last drink. i don't think it's really doing anything, or anything noticable anyway. i really don't know what to expect, or what it feels like... but i guess i figured i'd know it once it happened. if that makes sense. i'm avoiding using a certain word, because i feel a little guilty.

now i'm wondering what to do. i can't work on the church website... i'll feel guilty. i can't listen to music either... i'll also feel guilty. well i suppose i could listen to what non christian music i have. maybe i'll do that... after i brush my teeth. i still have a terrible taste in my mouth.

...

it's now 3:36, over an hour since the last drink. i'm pretty sure it's not affecting me. it probably wasn't enough. my dad will be home soon after 5:30. i am now faced with the dilemma of ridding the kitchen of the smell. the fabreze didn't seem to work. i could use pine sol or something, but then i'd have to explain that. i don't usually randomly clean the kitchen. actually i never do. i clean my room, but the cleaner i use doesn't have a very strong smell anyway. i use stuff that's safe for animals.

i sprayed more fabreze, and turned on the fan, and am hoping it'll go away. i really don't want to have to explain this to my dad.

...

now it's almost 5. i kept going into the kitchen, trying to decide how bad it smelled. i realized that i couldn't really tell. i was wondering if maybe i was just imagining it, because i was kinda paranoid. i decided to go outside for ten minutes, then walk back inside, and see what i smelled. i sat down outside the chicken coop and watched the chickens and pigeons. they are peaceful animals to watch... just walking around, clucking, doing their own thing.

i came back in and smelled the kitchen, and still couldn't really tell. it almost seems like i smell it a bit everywhere i go. maybe it's because i can't seem to get the taste out of my mouth. i hope i don't smell like it.

i'm kinda wanting to take some of those pills... since my little drinking experiment didn't amount to much. i'll be going to this wednesday thing here soon... and i don't want my mind to torture me while i'm there. i am trying to refrain, though.

i said i'd be done by the 20th... that does give me five days.

oh well, either way, i should start getting ready to go.

...

well, i failed at refraining. i ended up taking some doxylamine succinate, but a little less than before. one and a half pills. that's only a half a pill overdose. i also took two or three melatonins... i don't even remember exactly. i went to the wednesday thing, and started feeling like i was gonna pass out while the guy was talking. that sorta sucked. i did achieve what i wanted though, i was so out of it that my mind didn't torture me.

it's now 2 am, and i'm gonna go to bed soon. i am so extremely tired.

...

that night is when i had the weird circulation and weak heartbeat thing going on. it was probably very stupid of me to mix alcohol and antihistamines. so thursday i flushed the pills. i decided to wait until friday to try my drinking experiment again, to give me full day off of the pills first.

...

fridays experiment:

i got up just as my mom was leaving for work. i ate a slice of pizza, and then went at it. i decided this time to mix it with hot chocolate. it was the only thing i could mix it with that would remotely make any sense. but of course... there was no hot chocolate mix! so i poured some milk in a glass, put some pieces of a dark chocolate candy bar in it, and stuck it in the microwave. it didn't melt quite like i thought it would. the chocolate became thousands of little itty-bitty pieces. as i stirred it, i thought to myself, "this is gonna be gross."

i did all the pouring and drinking outside this time, to avoid having to get rid of the smell. i again went to the nice folks (again note the sarcasm) at yahoo answers, asking how much i should actually drink, since one ounce hadn't done anything. the only straight answers i got were, "4 - 6 ounces," and "3 or 4 ounces."

there were two bottles in the fridge. one that was nearly empty, and one that hadn't been opened. as i examined the nearly empty one, i didn't think that there was even four ounces in there. i decided to use the full one, and just refill it with water, so that it looked full still. since the stuff is so strong tasting, and you're supposed to mix it with something anyway, i decided that they probably wouldn't notice if i diluted it. they also probably wouldn't notice that it had been opened before they opened it, because they don't touch the stuff very often. it has been sitting in there already for months and months. and if they do notice, well... that day is gonna suck.

i sat outside with the bottle, the measuring cup, and my hot chocolate concoction. i decided to pour in five ounces, and just drink it slowly. if i started feeling something before finishing, i would just stop. the measuring cup only measures in like 2 ounces, 4 ounces, 6 ounces and 8 ounces though. so i was somewhere between 4 - 5, i think closer to 4.

it still tasted nasty, but wasn't as bad as drinking it straight. it didn't burn my throat this time. the taste did seem to make me feel sick though, and i did gag after some of the drinks. i think it was also the drinking large quantities of liquid that was making me feel sick. after mixing it all together, i had a pretty large drink there. not to mention the water i kept drinking as well.

as i sat on the steps of the deck, it went something like: take a drink, eat some chocolate, take a drink, eat some chocolate, take a drink, eat some chocolate... with some occasional drinks of water. i drank about three fourths of it in about a half hour. i decided to go inside and wait a while, to see if this was enough to affect me. i put a paper towel over my glass to keep flies off of it, and went and sat in my comfortable chair in the living room. i really felt like sitting in this chair, because i was really feeling sick.

i sat there for about 20 minutes, but kept getting up to try to walk a straight line. i wanted to test myself, the way cops test people they think are driving drunk. i walked along a straight line on the pattern on the kitchen floor. after the 20 minutes, and still being able to walk straight, i went back outside and downed the rest of it. i then went inside again.

after i stopped dumping the liquid into myself, i stopped feeling sick. soon after, my head started feeling... um... well i don't know what it started feeling, but it did start to feel something. i guess it was, well, "buzzy." my coordination was also definitely off, though i could still walk the line. i continued to walk it several times, and the last few times, though i could do it, i was pretty wobbly. it was interesting.

i went back outside to put away all of my evidence. i took the bottle, and before i diluted it, poured out 8 ounces for one more experiment. i was curious to see what a little more would do. i then poured my 8 ounces into a water bottle, and put it in my room. i filled the bottle to the top with water, and then put it back in the fridge. then i took my glass and measuring cup, and hosed them out before bringing them back inside.

then i swept. for some reason i had wanted to try to do something that took coordination, when i had limited coordination. since i could still walk the line and stuff, it wasn't too extremely hard, but harder than usual. i kept wanting to lay down, and taking breaks to lay on the couch. my head felt so... buzzy or whatever. i also went to the bathroom like a hundred times.

i also had to take bubble out a few times and stuff. somewhere in there, i ended up writing that entry about walking the line. since i had spilled some of the stuff on my shirt while gagging it down, i changed my clothes to avoid smelling like it. i also brushed my teeth.

then i decided to listen to music. i couldn't listen to christian music, and i decided that u2 was good enough, as long i stayed away from songs like "yahweh" and "40." it was the most "fun" part of the whole experience. i used headphones, and just BLASTED it into my ears, all while spinning back and forth in my chair. i found that songs like "numb," "slug," and "mofo," were good songs to listen to while in that state. i usually i don't like "mofo" very much at all, but this time i did enjoy it.

i also played "bad," because it was one that i could actually sing to. you just can't really sing to songs like "numb." for some reason, i decided to record it. i'm pretty sure i was singing at the top of my lungs, but it was so loud in my ears, that i couldn't hear myself at all. afterward, i listened to it. oh my gosh... i sounded TERRIBLE!! i sounded completely... deranged. i didn't sound like myself at all. no wonder my animals had all been staring at me like i was crazy. i laughed and laughed as i listened to myself.

after that, i started writing this. it's now been about three hours since i took my last drinks of it. i'm starting to feel pretty normal again, though not completely. my dad's gonna be home soon, but i think at this point i can hide it. i'm feeling pretty tired, so i think i'm gonna lay down for a while.

...

i'm happy to report that i never did get sick or anything, or have any sort of "hangover." my parents also never suspected a thing.

so go ahead, tell me how stupid i am. but really, how many teenagers wait until they're 21 anyway? and i don't plan on making a habit of it... as it would become obvious if i did anyway.

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