youth group and church and melissa and joel

Saturday, Aug. 18, 2007 | 9:34 PM

here's my entry about youth group last sunday, hanging out with melissa and joel on tuesday, and then the wednesday thing on wednesday. my brain was rather fuzzy during all of this, so i can't remember a ton of details.

so, about youth group...

us usual, i walked in. that's kinda a lame way to start my youth group entries, but what can i say, it's usually how my youth group visits start.

i ended up sitting on the steps, while melissa, joel, jordan and dave took down tables and put them in the big closet thingy. dave decided to take a table, and set it along the steps, creating a sort of a slide from the step that bubble was on, to the floor. for some reason they decided they wanted to see her slide down it. they called her and coaxed her, but she was hesitant. she stood and wagged her tail like mad, stepping on the table, and then stepping off. it wasn't until joel tempted her with a piece of chicken that she went for it, and slid down the table.

it was cute. i'm glad they enjoy her.

i sat and watched as they played a game of volley ball. it was a small number that night. there was just me, melissa, joel, jordan, dave, tim, paul and his sister sarah. when they were done tossing the ball around, we got in a very small circle. i don't like circles, as you might know, and small circles are even worse.

after singing for a while, jordan talked for a while. i had a hard time keeping my eyes open, and a hard time focusing. when he was done, he asked people to share a verse that was important in their life or something. then they all ate, and i was left sitting alone for a while.

it's hard to remember exactly all that happened, but i do remember melissa coming out and talking to me or something. i remember her asking me how i was, and me being angry at myself because all i could say was, "ok." i also remember melissa holding bubble on her lap. it was cute, i usually don't get to see it from the angle that everyone else does when i hold her. when they left, melissa and joel gave me a ride home.

on monday i emailed melissa, and i mentioned four main things: 1. i really wanted to hang out. 2. i was depressed. 3. i was overdosing on sleeping pills. 4. i was worried about a tornado. on tuesday, she emailed me, and also called me. her and joel came and picked me up that night, and we went off to a restaurant.

i'd kinda wished that we could have just went to their place. i don't really like restaurants. it's noisy, and hard to talk above that noise, making real conversation difficult (at least for me.) i absolutely DREAD talking to the waiter or waitress. they're always scary, and they rarely have food that i like.

when we first sat down, i looked all around at everything, as usual. "what do you think?" joel asked.

i think i shrugged or something.

"do you like it?"

"well i usually don't like restaurants."

they were like, "oh, i'm sorry."

i realized that was actually a really stupid thing to say.

"it's not that i don't like it," i said, "it's just scary."

i looked over the menu as they did, but i really didn't want anything. not only was there nothing i was interested in, but i just didn't feel comfortable enough to try to make myself eat something. melissa asked me what i wanted, and i said, "would it be ok if i just got nothing?"

"if you really don't want anything, it's ok," she said, "but if you do want something, you should get something."

i felt terrible. i didn't want them to feel like it was a wasted trip, taking me to a place that i said i didn't like, and wouldn't even eat at.

it wasn't long before the moment that i was dreading came. the waitress came over, to ask what we wanted. i stared down at the table as melissa and joel told her. i so didn't want to say anything. when it was my turn, there was a pause. i kept my eyes on the table. she asked, "and what would you like?" i had no choice, i had to look up and answer her. "um, nothing," i said. of course she couldn't hear me, so i had to repeat it. it was so incredibly awkward. it's moments like this that i would rather just die rather than have to endure them. it took a while for my fear from that to fade, and to relax somewhat.

to start with, they got some french fries smothered with cheese and bacon. melissa said, "should we pray before we dig in to our cheese fries?"

i laughed, and she asked me why.

"i thought it sounded like a funny line," i answered. i think it was probably the words "pray" and "cheese fries" in the same sentence.

they talked and asked me a few questions while they ate. sometimes it was difficult to hear joel, who sat across from melissa and i. i kept having to say, "what?" i was kinda really hoping to try to talk about things of some depth. like, the whole depression thing. you'd think, if i mentioned in an email that i was overdosing on sleeping pills, that they'd say something. but no, they just talked about surface things.

they learned that i like kids, and also want them someday... that i have a five year old niece named paris, and a two year old nephew named bobby, and they both belong to my brother bobby... that i still take care of tara's horse... that my dad has four kids and my mom has just me... and that i don't like country music.

when they were done eating, we left, and they took me home. as we pulled up in front of my house, and they were talking or something, i again wondered when exactly it was time to leave. i supidly asked, "should i go now?"

of course they answered, "you can stay and talk, if you want."

then i had no idea what to do. i just sat there, with the car door open. they talked a bit, and asked me some different questions, still on a somewhat surface level. this time, they learned that i would be spending the rest of the night just sitting around... that my mom spends most of her time sitting at the computer, and my dad spends most of his time sitting around smoking... that i don't consider them very great company and don't talk much to them... and that they like to watch movies but i don't watch them with them.

at one point melissa asked me, "so when do you want to hang out again?"

"anytime," i said. i was hoping we could like, actually make plans then, but no. no... i don't even blame them if they don't ever hang out with me again.

i felt so awkward as i kept wondering when i should leave. finally joel said, "i know it's early, but i'm getting tired."

"ok, i'll go," i said.

i felt so stupid. i went in the house feeling terrible and depressed. i went and took more pills, wanting to keep my mind from torturing me.

the next day, wednesday, is when i did that stupid thing that i have yet to confess. i went to the wednesday thing feeling really... "out of it." i went and sat on the steps with bubble. some people said hi, but no one invited me to sit with them, so i just stayed on the steps.

little kids flocked to me and my puppy. this is where i don't remember a lot of details. it's just like a blur...of kids. there was jordan's two boys, a girl that enjoyed telling me random facts that she knew about animals, a little red haired girl, two other little boys, and two other little girls. at one point, i think i actually had all of these kids all around me at once. i was smothered with children. they all sat and stood around me on the steps, but they all couldn't really fit. they kept scooting in closer and closer to me, trying to get all their hands on bubble.

they all talked. like, all at once. i was drowning in talking children. i just kept looking back and forth to all of them, trying to pay them all attention... but it was impossible!

i did hear a few good lines, but i don't remember them all. some of the kids for some reason enjoyed sticking their fingers in her mouth. one girl had her finger in bubble's mouth, and a boy said, "don't put your finger in her mouth... hey, let me try that!" then he stuck his finger in her mouth.

the girl that kept telling me stuff about animals was the one that stuck around the longest, as the others trickled away. she got up at one point, went and grabbed a cookie, and came and sat back down. "when i need a cookie, i need a cookie," she said. i thought that was rather profound.

after the hour ended, the kids went upstairs, and the rest of us went into the bench like thingy room. melissa and joel and tim motioned for me to come as they walked up to the front. i stood and shook my head. melissa came over and asked me, "why don't you want to sit with us?"

"i don't want to sit in the front."

"you want to sit in the back row?"

"well, at least in the back of everyone else."

we walked to the row that was behind everyone else that was currently sitting... but i knew what would happen. not everyone was sitting yet, and as more people came in, the sat behind us. we basically ended up in the middle. it was better than the very front, but i still didn't like it. i totally couldn't scratch an itch on my back. yeah, i know, that's weird... but it's just little things like that. if there's people sitting behind me... i will move as little as possible, to avoid any speck of attention.

yet, i bring a puppy with me. ironic?

it was horrible and terrible. i closed my eyes and bit the inside part of my lip. it was during this time that i started feeling like i was gonna pass out. this weird feeling kept coming over me, startling me and making me open my eyes. i felt like i was gonna go down any second. luckily, i didn't.

when the guy was done talking, i walked out of that room. i sat down in the um... the room that's between the bench like thingy room, and the game playing room. the kids came from downstairs, and bubble was petted some more. one of the kids was this little boy, who's like... REALLY cute. he is THE cutest little kid i have EVER seen. i can never ever help but smile, when he looks up at me and gives me his shy little smile. he belongs to tim, the "other" tim. he kept running up to bubble, quickly giving her a pat, and then running back to play with joel. the kids seem to love playing with joel.

after a while, as melissa and joel were leaving, melissa asked me, "do you want a ride?"

"sure."

so they drove me home. once at my house, i was quick to exit the car this time.

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