sometimes....

Monday, Jun. 18, 2007 | 12:04 AM

sometimes it haunts me still. sometimes it takes over my mind. i sit and stare off, like a deer in headlights. this world fades as i enter one of the past.

i can see my dad, sitting at the table with a cigarette in his hand. the smoke rises gracefully to the yellowing ceiling, slowly wafting outward in its ugly dance as it disperses. the look on his face tells you he'd rather be anywhere but here, in a dreary kitchen with an angry wife bouncing insults off of him.

angry doesn't even begin to describe what she feels. a hatred of her life in general builds up and bursts forth in yells and screams that echo across the house. her cruel words blur together and fill the air with a thick agonizing tension. her eyes are bright with an evil rage, and one look into them sends a shiver of terror through me.

i huddle on the couch, just a kid, helpless to save them or myself from the anger and hate that rests on our house. i grasp my blanket tightly, soaking it with tears, as i stare at the display of twisted madness that unfolds before me.

the yelling doesn't stop, it goes on for hours. it rings in my tired ears and i wish it would deafen me, just so i could be free from its curse. her words of loathing, her disgusting insults, they dance around my brain and sadden me. her lack of shame rests its guilt on me. in quiet repentance i beg a God i hardly know to forgive her, forgive us, and forgive me... because surely its my fault.

she spits on my dad and throws things at him. its too painful to watch, but i can't look away. their behavior is so unreal, so unthinkable, yet happening before my eyes. it hypnotizes me and i look on, crying.

finally he can't take it anymore. he stands up and moves forcefully forward, and i shudder. in a loud booming voice, he throws angry insults back at her. and then they are off. back and forth they shoot harsh words like bullets. insults and threats and a complete lack of logic fills the air like a terrible stench. it settles upon me and tortures me until i snap.

"stop it," i cry, "please STOP IT!!"

i wail louder and louder as i shove my face into my blanket. "stop it," i continue, "stop it."

in a moment of horror her anger turns and targets its attacks on me. she yells at me, claiming that i am not on her side. she yells and screams and i huddle, shaking, in the smallest ball that i can curl myself into. i cover my face with my arms in an instinctual attempt to try to hide. i am so afraid. i beg her to stop, but to no avail.

finally i run away. i run to my room, or i run outside. i try to escape the anger and the hate, but even when i'm not in earshot, it taunts me in my soul. i cry myself to sleep some nights, and i often wonder why. why is my life like this? what did i do to deserve it?

then, as reality sets back in, and i'm in the year 2007 again, alone in my room... i realize that tears are in my eyes.

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