isn't it funny how sometimes the hardest thing to do is what we really wanna do

Friday, May. 25, 2007 | 6:28 PM

i'd just gotten home from school yesterday, i was popping something into the microwave, and i decided for whatever reason to go into my room until the mircrowave was done. as i walked in, my phone was ringing. it was melissa, calling about the upcoming youth group trip to the beach. she ended up coming over to my house, to bring me a little information thingy about it.

her and kellie walked over to my house from the church. she couldn't drive, because she hasn't yet learned how to drive their new car, which i guess isn't automatic... and joel i guess was doing stuff at the church. there was an awkward exchange between them and my dad and whiley and i, until my dad walked away and whiley settled down. we then stood in the doorway as they talked about games that they'd like to play at the beach. i admit that this "bigger or better" game sounds interesting.

kellie had some meeting she had to go to, and melissa asked if i wanted to hang out with her while kellie did that. "do you know of any places around here within walking distance?" she asked.

"i don't know," i said, "like what?"

i guess i don't really know where people usually hang out, since i don't really hang out very often. i suppose at food establishments. there probably was something, there's lots of things up and down stark, but i never really pay attention to what they are.

"there's the swings at the park," kellie said.

so melissa asked me, "do you wanna go to the park with me?"

"sure."

so off to the park we went, while kellie walked back to the church.

it was about 9:30 or so, so it was dark. there's been a hundred thousand times when i wanted to walk to the park when it was dark, but wasn't brave enough. i finally got to see what it's like there after dark, and it's not as scary as one might think. it's pretty well lit, and people were there. there wasn't tons, of course, but it was more active than i thought it might be. of course, it's probably different at 9:30 pm, than at 3:30 am...

we sat on the swings as she asked me, "what did you do today?"

"i went to school."

"that's right, you're not done yet. did you have just one class?"

"yeah."

"what time did it start?"

"six."

"6 pm?"

"yeah."

"so you probably got up at like... four."

"yeah."

"by then i'd already gotten off work... after working eight hours. that's ok, you probably stayed up eight hours later than i did. what time do you usually go to bed?"

"like three to four am."

"what do you do all night?"

"not a lot."

"just whatever there is?"

"i mess around on the computer, talk to my friend..."

"on the phone or on the computer?"

"on the computer."

"the friend you grew up with?"

"no."

"a boyfriend?"

"no."

"someone you met online?"

"yeah."

"is it a boy?"

"yeah."

"it's not that one you told me about, is it?"

"no."

"good. where's he from?"

"north dakota."

"wow... what's his name?"

"bryce."

"how do you meet guys online?"

"well, i don't really try to. this one i met three years ago in a christian chat room. the one i told you about... he just found my website, and added me to msn."

she changed to the subject to some other things, talking about her unprepared for camping trip, asking me about how my driving's been going, and talking about how she needs to learn to drive their new car. she also asked me, "have you been reading lately?"

it may have been a dumb question, but i asked, "reading what?" i've been reading the bible. i don't really read much anything else.

"reading books, like those books i gave you. do you still have those?"

"yeah."

"have you read them at all?"

"i started to read one."

"which one?"

"the purpose driven life one."

"are you gonna finish it?"

"i've been meaning to." i've also sorta been meaning to return them... i sorta suck at borrowing things. i still have many things of tara's that i've been "borrowing" for several years. of course, she still has things of mine i'm sure. it's sorta like that with best friends i guess.

she later asked, "do you talk to bryce a lot?"

"yeah."

"what do you guys talk about?"

"pretty much everything."

"are you more talkative online?"

"yeah... typing is kinda easier."

i'm not completely sure of the order of subjects, but she also asked me about the upcoming trip.

"do you have inhibitions about the retreat?"

"i don't know... it could suck."

"that's true, it could suck. but it could also be really great. what would make a retreat sucky?"

"i don't know... if i don't really do anything, but then i usually don't do anything, so..."

"is there anything we can do to help it not suck?"

"i don't know." there were some things i wanted to say here, but couldn't bring myself to.

there was a pause, and then she asked, "is there anything you can do to help it not suck?"

"probably."

"are you willing to do it?"

"probably not."

there was another pause, and then she asked, "what makes you not willing to do it?"

"i don't know." then it was my turn to pause, and then i said, "it's hard."

"isn't it funny," she said, "how sometimes the hardest thing to do is what we really wanna do."

i nodded at that, but i'm not sure if she saw it.

then there was an enormous pause. it was getting sorta awkward, and i kept hoping that she would say something soon, because an intense urge to start laughing was growing inside me with each second of awkward silence. finally she said, "well, i think if you want to try to do the hard things, then an environment like youth group is a good place to start, because there's people there who care about you, and they're good people, and they're trustworthy."

there were just tons of things i wanted to say, but i sat in silence until her phone rang. it was time for her to go back to the church. she walked me home, and then off she went.

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